Scratch this city off of .com's list of potential home sites.
Strippers in this city will soon have to put on something they can't take off - a business license. The City Council on Friday approved a measure requiring exotic dancers to apply for permits and wear them while performing.
"Hey, beppy! Is that your stripper's license?"
Law enforcement authorities who have far too little other work to do said the rule, which was unanimously approved by the 11-member council and goes into effect in 10 days, will allow them to quickly identify those dancers who are breaking nudity ordinances. (Among other things, full nudity and contact with customers are not allowed in San Antonio strip clubs.)
You need a permit to figger out who's nekkid?
``We're trying to reduce criminal activity inside the establishments on the part of the entertainers, i.e., prostitution,'' said Lt. Mike Gorhum, who should be checking containers down at the port heads the vice squad.
"Stripper inspector! Lemme see yer... Whoa!"
"Mulligan! Get the inspector a chair!"
The permit - expected to be roughly half the size of a credit card - would include the dancer's stage name and a photo.
Clad? Or dressed in her business attire?
Police would be able to check that information against club records to determine her real name and other personal data. ``I really don't know where we're supposed to place it,'' complained a dancer who calls herself Tempest.
No! Not there!
``It's definitely going to get in the way of our performing, and it might just look a little bit tacky.''
That got my diet Coke up my nose. Just what in a strip joint isn't tacky?
Gorhum said it is up to the dancers where they wear the permits, as long as they are in plain sight. ``It can be on the wrist or the ankle, or something like that,'' he said.
I hate to point this out, but other than the wrist or the ankle, there's no other place on a nekkid woman's body like the wrist or the ankle. Or have I forgotten something? (It's been so long...)
"Just don't block the view, or my boys won't be able to figger out if the gals are nekkid or not," he added.
The new rule also mandates a 3-foot space between dancers and patrons to ensure no touching during table dances. Such contact is already banned, though violations are not uncommon.
Ya don't say. The Guardian reporter is especially droll.
Jim Deegear, an attorney for a number of San Antonio strip clubs, said complying with the space rule will require clubs to reduce the number of tables, and thus the number of customers. ``It's really going to cut into the revenue of my clients, which I think is the real purpose,'' said Deegear, who plans to the fight the rules in court. ``They can't legally say, 'We want to run these people out of business.'''
Gee Mr. Deegear, there's a traditional way strip joints, titty bars, and dice games manage to stay in business when the lawman is breathing down their necks. Think about it a while, it'll come to you, though you're a lawyer and all.
Tempest said wearing a permit might give away too much information to the customers. ``What scares me is we do get a lot of these guys taking it too far - they forget that this is just entertainment,'' she said. ``How do we know that these guys are not going to try to obtain very personal information about us?''
"Hello, Tiffany?... This is Officer Friendly. I got your phone number from your wrist or your ankle, or something like that. Wanna go out for a shake Saturday night? Or maybe we could go bowling?"
She said the 3-foot buffer zones will make it hard for her to make money on table dances and will present logistical problems in a crowded club. ``If you're 3 feet away from one guy and 3 feet away from another guy,'' she said, ``you're pretty much giving another guy a free dance.''
Never happen, no strip joint ever gives anything away for free.
Posted by: Steve White ||
12/18/2004 12:30:53 AM ||
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#1
ROFL! Sniff...
Ah, humans. There's a branch of physics with some of the same aspects as the nuclear variety. It's called weenie physics. The most dangerous thing you can do, much like fissionable materials, is to get too many weenies too close together. Yes, you got it: critical mass is reached. The devastation can be catastrophic with laws and rules and general hysteria the fallout. Not a pretty sight. San Antone. Sigh. Once, I knew her well - and she was a swell old gal with a vibrant nightlife. And now, well, the weenies went critical and now she's toast. Heavy sigh.
#2
I've heard that strippers make most of there money off the table dances. Figure $20 a dance and 2-3 an hour and we are talking some serious money. This wont last long .com. Like the pasties of the early eighties, this measure will be peeled off by the next councilin four years.
#3
That's my city! Funniest local politics of any place I've ever lived! High moral purpose, low conniving skullduggery, hilarious slapstick and more twists and turns than an eel with the fits. The political narrative of this town is like some mad concoction worked up by a committee of Miguel de Cervantes, Jacqueline Susann and the Keystone Cops. When I ever move away, I'll keep a subscription to the paper, just to keep up on all this.
#6
I spot a problem: if they are wearing the license thn they are no longer naked so they don't need it, but if they remove it then they are naked adain and they need it.
Posted by: Frank G ||
12/18/2004 19:01 Comments ||
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#13
Hmmm, so the Guardian's reverting to Silly American Puritans 'n' Fatsos 'n' Weirdos stories again?
Good news. I take that as a sign that they and the Euro-left are reconciling themselves to Bush's triumph, Sharon's power, Kofi's disgrace. And soon to the Iraqi elections. Almost feels like the days before 9/11.
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Strippers in this city will soon have to put on something they can't take off - a business license. The City Council on Friday approved a measure requiring exotic dancers to apply for permits and wear them while performing.
