Article

2004-03-25 -Short Attention Span Theater-

Guess Our Bark Really Is Worse Than Our Bite

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Posted by Barbara Skolaut bskolaut@hotmail.com 2004-03-25 12:30:26 AM|| || Front Page|| [1 views since 2007-05-07] Top

#1 Close your eyes (metaphorically, of course) and let the voice of William Shatner or John Cleese or Alistair Cook or James Mason or even James Earl Jones, whoever the hell you picture as The Master Storyteller, resonate in your consciousness with this fateful tale...

In the prehistoric mists of Olduvai Gorge, zygote Lucy takes a nutrino hit squarely on the ~~chin~~ the RNA template's molecular bond attaching 2 base pairs on the second twist past her fine genetic tendency for superior honkin' booty and *BAM* - in every subsequent cell division, each DNA strand constructed produces reduced bite muscle / slack-jawed offspring; female sirens with that honkin' booty, pendulous tatas, simply fabulous personalities; and male wankers with a relatively complimentary obsessive fascination for monster trucks, monster burgers, and monster hooters. Oh yeah, they also had larger brain cavities due to the reduced constraining bite muscle. Every descendent from this maternal line has been (in males, at least, happily) reduced to utter ~~bliss~~ helplessness, sucking tit for several months before taking the first bland solids... instead of feasting on wabbit and wattlers basted with KC Masterpiece - as had her ancestors before her. She didn't give it much thought.

And thus cometh ~~Breast~~ Brainy Man: Homo Lactatus Magnificus Cum Erectus Maximus de la Cranius Humongous. From knuckle-dragger to friggin' ~~Letch~~ Genius. A mere Stroke (or Two) of Fate.

Posted by .com 2004-03-25 1:47:49 AM|| 2004-03-25 1:47:49 AM|| Front Page Top

#2 .com, you need ~~to get laid~~ a girlfriend :-)

Posted by Steve White 2004-03-25 2:01:50 AM|| 2004-03-25 2:01:50 AM|| Front Page Top

#3 A permanent one? Heh, no tanx, Bro. Been There / Lost That in the Deevorce. When you hit the jackpot on the firt pull, as I did, you are rather spoiled (leery?) thereafter. By jackpot, well let me phrase it this way: She is the Cure for the Man who has Everything. Since I am an honest man, a major flaw, here it is sans all of the incredible BS:

I don't wanna own it, I just wanna borrow it for awhile.

Posted by .com 2004-03-25 2:17:43 AM|| 2004-03-25 2:17:43 AM|| Front Page Top

#4 Funny commentary Barbara.

If anyone is interested I don't buy the 'mutation occured 2.4 million years ago', or it caused us to have bigger brains. As I recall Neanderthals who were around 10k to 20k years ago had the big jaws and could crack the bones of large animals with their teeth to get to the marrow.

Posted by phil_b 2004-03-25 3:18:30 AM|| 2004-03-25 3:18:30 AM|| Front Page Top

#5 phil_b - That may be so, but all the bone-crunchin' gave the cranially-compressed female Neanderthals semi-permanent migranes, thus allowing H. sapiens to out-compete through faster breedin'. The lesson? Ditch the missus if she gets 'headaches' - it's bad for your genes.

Posted by Bulldog 2004-03-25 4:18:20 AM|| 2004-03-25 4:18:20 AM|| Front Page Top

#6 Now that I think of it - compare and contrast: Paleo car swarm vs the monkey rioting in 2001 - a Space Odyssey

Posted by Frank G 2004-03-25 9:23:14 AM|| 2004-03-25 9:23:14 AM|| Front Page Top

#7 Well, 98% of the genetic material is the same - at least as tested in Western labs - prolly using local DNA samples...

Frank, are you suggesting it's higher in other geographic locales? Lol! ;->

Posted by .com 2004-03-25 9:30:55 AM|| 2004-03-25 9:30:55 AM|| Front Page Top

#8 .com,

A friend of mine had a motto; If it flies, floats or f**ks, lease it.

Posted by Mr. Davis 2004-03-25 11:04:28 AM|| 2004-03-25 11:04:28 AM|| Front Page Top

#9 Damn Mr. D., now that is to steal a phrase "stylebook material"

LOL

Posted by Shipman 2004-03-25 11:07:10 AM|| 2004-03-25 11:07:10 AM|| Front Page Top

#10 This ties in pretty good with that Zapo dude.

Posted by Lucky 2004-03-25 11:27:44 AM|| 2004-03-25 11:27:44 AM|| Front Page Top

#11 MrD - Lol! And that's exactly what I do. Those categories cover most of the "high maintenance" items, heh! ;->

Posted by .com 2004-03-25 11:34:00 AM|| 2004-03-25 11:34:00 AM|| Front Page Top

#12 High Maintenance here

Posted by Denny 2004-03-25 11:57:42 AM|| [http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com] 2004-03-25 11:57:42 AM|| Front Page Top

#13 Denny - Purrfekt!

Posted by .com 2004-03-25 12:01:54 PM|| 2004-03-25 12:01:54 PM|| Front Page Top

#14 Evolutionists and their neverending theories have gotten more and more bizarre over the years.

They are contorting themselves and their "ideas" to fit the theory, and ultimately come across as wacked as any Bible-thumper ever has.

(Personally, I think the truth is that evolution exists... but doesn't apply to humans 100%. I believe we were "helped" along the way in some fashion. There is NO explanation under evolution which explains the staggering differences between human intelligence and our nearest intellectual rivals within the animal kingdon.)

Posted by Unmutual 2004-03-25 2:39:45 PM|| 2004-03-25 2:39:45 PM|| Front Page Top

#15 Mr Davis - I always heard it as "...rent it." And believe me, there are males (I don't think I'd call them men) like that too - like .com, been there, done that, got the bills to prove it.

As for evolution, well, I remember a few in college who were breathing proof that even if the theory was true, some of us hadn't come very far. In fact, I remember a couple who seemed to have opted for "bite" instead.

Posted by Sofia 2004-03-25 3:59:24 PM|| 2004-03-25 3:59:24 PM|| Front Page Top

#16 Sofia is hardcore RB.

Posted by Shipman 2004-03-25 4:50:54 PM|| 2004-03-25 4:50:54 PM|| Front Page Top

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