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2025-04-18 Olde Tyme Religion

[JOHNKASSNEWS] By Mike Houlihan

We're in the middle of Holy Week and that always brings me back to my Easter Duty story.

"Easter Duty" is the Catholic equivalent a "Get out Of Jail Free" card.

My wife goes to Confession almost every week. Me, not so much. I'm sure the priests are sick of her rattling off her puny sins as an excuse to make conversation with the padres. They know it's her; they see her every day when she is a Eucharistic Minister or Lector at daily and sometimes even Sunday masses.

While I would argue that the "lovely Mary" is not a big sinner, she's as close to perfect as I'll ever encounter. Of course I am a different story. I've broken all the commandments on a regular basis for years, but I like the mercy Our Lord shows if we only make it once a year. The Easter Duty is kind of like the bill collector who texts you with a "friendly reminder" that you have not paid up in a good while. Ain't nothin' "friendly" about it.

So, I usually wait until Holy Week to hit the confessional box and "make my Easter duty,"

I don‘t go in for any of the modern face to face crap either, I like going into the privacy of the box where it's dark and mysterious. Also, it's mandatory to go to confession at a church where they don't know me. I can sneak in and sneak out with my indulgences and stroll to my car back to my own neighborhood a couple miles away.

I guess that comes from a bad experience I had with a priest back in New York City right after I got married. I hadn't been to confession in many years and when I saw the Chinese priest enter the confessional box from across the aisles, I knew this was my chance. I thought to myself, "Geesh this Chinaman probably barely speaks English," I thought as I flopped to my knees in the darkness and started rattling off a lifetime of mortal sins, probably about ten years' worth for sure. It was at the Church of The Holy Cross in Hell's Kitchen and right down the street from my favorite Blarney Rock pub on 42nd Street where my old pal Mike Monaghan would crack wise with me while he was bartending. After years of listening to rummies stories at the bar, Mike had probably heard more confessions than this Chinese priest over the years.

So, I spew my decades of debauchery into the darkness and wind up with "and for these sins and all the sins of my past life, I am truly sorry."

So, I figure a quick Act of Contrition and I'm outta there, but then the Chinaman sez to me, "Where do you live?"

Uh oh. "Whoa whoa whoa, pal. You ain't supposed to ask stuff like that."

I'm sitting there thinking, Geesh I can't lie while I'm IN the confessional box, so I start to back pedal and tell him, "Sorry father I've been away from the church for years, but I just got married recently at St. Malachy's the Actor's Chapel and have done a full 180. So, ya see…" And he cuts me off.

"Where do you live?"

Finally, I blurted out my address at 400 West 43rd Street.

Now he is yelling, "That's right across the street! You got married without going to confession first, that's blasphemy! This is your parish; you must go to confession here!

Now I was pissed off and barked, "Hey are you gonna absolve me or not?'

He mellowed a bit and doled out my penance, a full-on Rosary for cryin' out loud and reminded me, "You not a parishioner at St. Malachy, you go here Holy Cross, this is your parish!"

Thanks Father, sure I'll be a regular here for sure.

So fast forward over forty years and my most recent Easter Duty story. Once again it is Easter season but this time in Chicago and I went downtown to St. Peter's in the Loop on Madison Street.

The place is packed with long lines outside each confessional, everybody making their Easter Duty. I hate waiting but don't want another Chinese surprise and spy two little old ladies waiting in line at one of the confessional boxes. Slam dunk I figure, it ain't like they're gonna be in there long with hardly any sins, so I take up my position behind them with a smile.

Big Mistake! Both were in there gabbing with the priest for over a half hour each. I looked around, it was still the shortest line, but it wasn't moving very fast, and I had places to be!

Finally, the last little old lady comes out and I hear her sweetly intone, "Thank you father!" with a big smile on her face as I slide past her to the kneeler.

"Bless me father for I have sinned, it's been about a year since my last confession, I guess I have sinned a lot, but mostly having anger issues, lose my temper a lot."

Priest sez to me, "Oh you got anger issues? What are you angry about?"

"I'll tell ya what makes me angry Father, you playing Doctor Phil with those two old ladies before me in line while everybody wants to get in to confess. What the hell, no wonder this place is so crowded, I doubt those old ladies had any big sins to confess!"

And he sez, believe it or not, "Hey, that's BULLSHIT!" Settle down ya big jerk!" Honest to God, that's what he said….so now I'm apologizing and back pedaling and asking forgiveness and he finally sez, "for your penance five Hail Mary's and come back with a better attitude."

I'm researching churches for my Easter Duty now, hope it's not too far of a drive. Happy Easter everybody!'

Just a fun read for 'those in the know'.

Posted by Mullah Richard 2025-04-18 08:22|| || Front Page|| [11136 views ] Top

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