* Only questions about what kind of spices she uses when cooking: This is the type of thing Americans want to hear.

* Moderators must respond to all of Kamala's answers with "you KNOW das right" or "guuuuuurl, say it!": Conversely, all of Trump's answers must be met with boos and hisses.

* The debate is to be held 3 hours before air time and edited down to her best 7 minutes: It's standard practice with all Kamala Harris public appearances.

* She will be awarded extra points for each accent she uses: Being multi-lingual should have its advantages.

* Trump will be docked speaking time for being white and male: Plus, he's wealthy, so he's lucky to even be allowed to speak at all.

* Jamaal Bowman must be stationed by the fire alarm: Just in case things aren't going Kamala's way.

* She must be given the opportunity to sleep with the moderator the night before: Kamala always has to have her secret weapon up her sleeve.