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2023-04-18 -Great Cultural Revolution

'All This Woke Stuff Is Pretty Dumb, Am I Right Fellas?' MAGA Hat-Wearing Bud Light CEO Chuckles Nervously

[Bee] ST LOUIS, MO — As beer sales continue to plunge in the wake of Bud Light's partnership with trans activist Dylan Mulvaney, Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth released a statement to entice customers to start buying Bud Light products again.

"Wow, all this woke stuff is pretty dumb, am I right, fellas?" said Whitworth, chuckling nervously into the camera. "And this LGBT stuff? Dang! Talk about gay! Go woke, go broke, I always say. Diversity is our strength! Um, I mean, I love America! What do you people want me to say again?"

"Please buy our beer," said the embattled CEO finally before breaking down in sobs.

Sources within the company confirmed that execs have been desperately working on damage control since the Mulvaney incident. "We need to make sure people know we're still the iconic American brand they know and love while still reaching out as allies to the LGBTQ+ activists so they don't dock our Corporate Inclusion Index score," said VP Seth Hawkins while shotgunning a beer and releasing a bald eagle for the cameras. "Please don't murder me, trans activists! I have kids!"

At publishing time, the company announced they had promoted their VP of Marketing Alissa Heinerscheid to President of Office Janitorial Services

Posted by Frank G 2023-04-18 07:27|| || Front Page|| [11133 views ] Top

#1 They should bring back the Clydesdale commercials, but with furries.

Posted by AuburnTom 2023-04-18 12:02|| 2023-04-18 12:02|| Front Page Top

#2 Phuque Buttwiper beer, Its always been piss and now there's NO reason to drink it

Posted by 746 2023-04-18 12:17|| 2023-04-18 12:17|| Front Page Top

#3 The official beer of NAFO.

Am I right fellas?

Posted by mossomo 2023-04-18 12:49|| 2023-04-18 12:49|| Front Page Top

#4 So he just laughs it off, like oh this is dumb. Piss off.

Posted by 49 Pan 2023-04-18 15:05|| 2023-04-18 15:05|| Front Page Top

#5 OH, but wait, you $7 billion market loss is pretty dumb too....

Posted by 49 Pan 2023-04-18 16:02|| 2023-04-18 16:02|| Front Page Top

#6 Y’all owe the kitty a dollar — it’s the Babylon Bee, today’s satire is tomorrow’s news.

Posted by trailing wife 2023-04-18 17:40|| 2023-04-18 17:40|| Front Page Top

#7 Fair loss; not far from what really happened. I liked the part where they made him out to be a Dude's Dude - and everyone is like Then How'd You Get So Easily Tricked?

Along the lines, I hope I can come across one of those I'm A Preachy Environmentalist CUNT t-shirts before they get shelved and donated to rural Africa.

Posted by swksvolFF 2023-04-18 19:04|| 2023-04-18 19:04|| Front Page Top

#8 In fairness, I ALWAYS post [Bee] notification, because satire is just a couple weeks ahead of reality's stupidity

Posted by Frank G 2023-04-18 20:00|| 2023-04-18 20:00|| Front Page Top

#9 I blame Evelyn Wood. Plus:
“We live in an age when it is no longer possible to be funny. There is nothing you can imagine, no matter how ludicrous, that will not promptly be enacted before your very eyes, probably by someone well known.”
– Malcolm Muggeridge

Posted by SteveS 2023-04-18 21:26|| 2023-04-18 21:26|| Front Page Top

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