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2020-05-01 -Signs, Portents, and the Weather-
Food Supply Issues Means U.S. Can No Longer Sustain Entire Country Being Morbidly Obese
[Babylon Bee] U.S.—As the shutdown of the entire country starts to affect the food supply chain, with meat processing plants and other businesses closing, there are now signs of a looming crisis. Researchers say that the U.S. may soon no longer have enough food to support the entire country's being morbidly obese.

"We’re already down to producing only enough food for five thousand calories per day per person," said nutrition expert Marc Ward. "If this trend continues, the country will simply not have enough food to sustain the extreme corpulence of every man, woman, and child. We can support everyone being a bit chubby, but that’s it."

Fear of this disaster has already caused the hoarding of Twinkies, Häagen-Dazs, and canned gravy. President Trump, though, is telling citizens not to worry. "No one is losing a single pound while I’m president," Trump promised. "If we have to, we’ll open up our National Nacho Cheese Sauce Reserve."

Still, Trump said that people may want to eat more cautiously until things are back to normal. "Like you might want to look at the recommended serving size on the back and actually only eat that amount," Trump said, holding up a bag of Cheetos. He then looked at the back. "Twenty-one pieces?! That’s not realistic. Okay, don’t eat more than three times the recommended serving size."
Posted by Besoeker 2020-05-01 05:02|| || Front Page|| [11138 views ]  Top

#1 The "morbidly obese" is a dead giveaway to the Bee.
Posted by g(r)omgoru 2020-05-01 05:13||   2020-05-01 05:13|| Front Page Top

#2 Being "morbidly obese" is a serious commitment and a full time job. A normal human being would be stressed by eating 12-15,000 calories a day.
Posted by M. Murcek 2020-05-01 05:52||   2020-05-01 05:52|| Front Page Top

#3 Ref #2: ...stressed by eating 12-15,000 calories a day.

We must continue to consume. If we don't use these gummit coupons Walmart will surely die. They cannot meet dividend growth targets selling Chinese junk alone.
Posted by Besoeker 2020-05-01 05:57||   2020-05-01 05:57|| Front Page Top

#4 Peak Junk Food!
Posted by Clem 2020-05-01 05:59||   2020-05-01 05:59|| Front Page Top

#5 O blithe Bee-spirit, if satire is easy to spot again, can Spring be far behind?

= maybe things are just starting to return to something resembling... normal?
Posted by Lex 2020-05-01 06:08||   2020-05-01 06:08|| Front Page Top

#6 Been meaning to try the "I ate nothing but Bugles™ for a month" diet.
Posted by M. Murcek 2020-05-01 06:09||   2020-05-01 06:09|| Front Page Top

#7 Yum, Bugles with Top the Tater onion dip.

Troubling thought of the day. When someone is so fat they can't reach their arsehole to wipe...
Posted by Woodrow 2020-05-01 07:31||   2020-05-01 07:31|| Front Page Top

#8 I just always wonder how a really fat person knows when the "business end" is actually over the bowl.
Posted by M. Murcek 2020-05-01 07:35||   2020-05-01 07:35|| Front Page Top

#9 ...well from the land of Sumo wrestlers comes your answer. I'm sure they'll get it classified as a ADA federally funded item soon.
Posted by Procopius2k 2020-05-01 07:37||   2020-05-01 07:37|| Front Page Top

#10 I can just imagine my toilet saying "you are cleared for final approach."
Posted by M. Murcek 2020-05-01 07:45||   2020-05-01 07:45|| Front Page Top

#11 If wax rings could talk.
Posted by Besoeker 2020-05-01 08:26||   2020-05-01 08:26|| Front Page Top

#12 Well that's $1 down. Thought sure this would be some wacko lefty professor. 8^(
Posted by AlanC 2020-05-01 08:30||   2020-05-01 08:30|| Front Page Top

#13 If wax rings could groan.
Posted by M. Murcek 2020-05-01 08:38||   2020-05-01 08:38|| Front Page Top

#14 The sad thing is being obese means you are more likely to die if you catch Covid, and now would be a really good time to encourage weight loss (instead of the gain most people will take on because of the isolation) but nobody has the courage to say so.
Posted by ruprecht 2020-05-01 09:21||   2020-05-01 09:21|| Front Page Top

#15 Agreed. Let's close every park and beach and trail where people might get some exercise. Yep: That's the ticket.
Posted by Lex 2020-05-01 09:33||   2020-05-01 09:33|| Front Page Top

#16 Obesity is a life choice. It's not "hormones" or "living in a food desert." Some people want to sit on their asses and cram stuff in their mouths. An Andy Warhol style fast forward movie of the life of an average morbidly obese person would be hard to watch.
Posted by M. Murcek 2020-05-01 09:36||   2020-05-01 09:36|| Front Page Top

#17 I think, truth.
Posted by Whiskey Mike 2020-05-01 22:01||   2020-05-01 22:01|| Front Page Top

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