Kurt Schlichter at Town Hall
So, February 3, 4, and 5, 2020 were pretty much the most miserable three days in the history of the Democratic Party. I’m not laughing, really I’m not! You know how sometimes you have a bad day when nothing goes right? Well, these super-achievers managed to triple that streak. They are achievers in the same sense Hoover Snort Biden is an achiever.
Let’s start with Monday, February 3rd and the Iowa Caucuses. In their defense, it wasn’t like they had four years to get prepared to handle...counting. Oh wait, they did have four years to handle...counting. Okay, well, then in their defense they went to unionized failing government schools, so counting is hard. But not for the Republicans, who managed to count their votes just fine.
As of when you read this, they might still not have actual numbers. Audie Murphy Buttigieg, Crusty Commie Curmudgeon and Chief Sitting Bolshevik may well all still be claiming victory, while Gropey J’s handlers are likely still complaining about the process and Not Senile Joe himself is chasing an uppity squirrel around a Nashua park.
...Fresh from the hellish nightmare that was Monday came Tuesday with its own infernal events. The Iowa situation remained fluid, that fluid being similar to the hobo juice freely sprayed around Scat Francisco’s sidewalks. On Tuesday, rumors spread that Pete Rambo Buttigieg was linked to the mysterious app maker designated the fall guy for the caucus circus. Maybe it was true, maybe it wasn’t, but these are Democrats so it really doesn’t matter.
And then President Trump gave the best State of the Union speech pretty much ever, spending much of it listing real achievements that help real Americans while Nancy Pelosi fumed behind him, offering a running commentary to her invisible friend. Trump played the Dems like Pete Townsend plays the guitar. Among the things Trump got them not to applaud for were:
Record low unemployment
Record high stocks
Fair trade
Minority children not being stuck in failing government schools
People fighting cancer
Law enforcement
Our military
Killing terrorists
Not killing babies
America
God
These may have been good looks on college campuses and in communist bookstores, but not so much in the United States. The speech was masterful, and when Pelosi tore it up, she highlighted just how owned she was for the whole world to see.
...Then February 5th came along and their impeachment collapsed into rubble. We all knew it was coming, but then ... poof. Gone. You tried to take out the king, and you failed. How lame.
Yeah, history will record that you managed to impeach Donald Trump. History will also record that Donald Trump beat you donkeys like rented mules.
...So, three bad days...okay, but the coming days will be brighter and better, right? I mean, you have a great candidate for...oh. Well, you’ll get a big boost with the economy...oh. At least you can still count on minorities to back you even though you never, ever perform on your promises...oh.
Come to think of it, you Democrats might look back wistfully at the last three days because it’s only getting worse for you from here. 
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