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2019-11-28 -Short Attention Span Theater-
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Tanning where the sun don't shine
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 [NYPOST] They’re soaking up some rays where the sun don’t shine.
"What's the matter, Hervè?"
"I went butt tanning."
"Wossa motta widdat? All us trendy folk are doing it. It's very edgy."
"I got second degree burns of my bung hole."
"Ooh! Dat's bad!"
"And I gotta poop."
"Ooh! Dat's worse!"
The hottest trend gripping wellness die-hards is tanning their cans, or "perineum sunning," as influencers are calling it.
Occasionally airing out the old gennies is good for you. Scorching them, not so good.
"In a mere 30 seconds of sunlight on your butthole, you will receive more energy from this electric node than you would in an entire day being outside with your clothes on," says an influencer, who goes by Ra of Earth.
If you can't believe someone named Ra of Earth, who can you believe?"
 In a viral video that has racked up more than 35,000 views, he gestures toward the sun as three naked men lie down, point their backsides to the sky and make sounds of pleasure.
If it's cloudy, pop on down to the drug store and buy some Vitamin D gummies. Then go home and pop one right in there. Works like a charm, I'm sure. Maybe I should change my name to Anubis of Arcturus? Kinda catchy, I think.
Ra of Earth has also posted a step-by-step "Sun Worship exercise" pulled from "The Tao of Sexology: The Book of Infinite Wisdom" by Dr. Stephen T. Chang that says the practice can help keep the area "healthy and free of germs."
"Infinite Wisdom?" Does that imply that Doctor Chang knows everything about everything?
Chang and Ra of Earth aren’t the only ones, either. Other influencers appear to be just as inspired to catch some ultra-vile rays.
It's the new Goldfish Swallowing, the Mutton Chop whiskers of the 21st Century... No. Wait. That's Taliban Beards. Phone Booth Packing then. Or maybe Saint Vitus Dance.
"[Thirty] seconds of direct sunlight injection to the anal orifice is equivalent to being outside in the sun all day!" writes influencer Troy Casey.
Better than two enemas and a light spanking, without the mess!
 One Caliphornian
Dewd, are you surprised?
claims butt-chugging vitamin D not only helps her sleep better but helps to regulate her hormones.
Best to get a little regulation into those raging hormones!
"For the past few weeks I have included sunning my bum and yoni into my daily rising routine," a woman who goes by Metaphysical Meagan captions an image of herself fully naked on a rock.
For the past few years I have included groaning, scratching, brushing my remaining teeth, and peeing into my daily rising routine. Then I go looking for breakfast. My preferred breakfast is owls, but I'm not the hunter I used to be. Last week I did bring down a box of Raisin Bran.
Meagan says she first learned about perineum sunning through her study of Taoism and has recently given up her morning cup of coffee in favor of sunning her anus.
If you use a gummy bear you can sit on it and have your coffee, too.
The phenomenon caught the wider internet’s attention after one Twitter user posted Meagan’s photo and caption, to the tune of more than 84,000 likes.
Since she's nekkid as an egg and holding her feet up by her toes, I can see why. 83,902 of the likes were from eighteen-year-old boys, the remainder from lesbians.
Even A-listers are sunning their bums.
Be still, my racing heart!
 "Big Little Lies" actress Shailene Woodley, who is known for her holistic lifestyle that doesn’t even include a TV, has admitted she’s also practiced a version of perineum sunning.
No teevee? The woman is serious! How can she watch herself on the... ummm... Maybe she goes out or something.
"Another thing I like to do is give my vagina a little vitamin D," she told Into The Gloss in 2014.
That's certainly essential information. I'll bet the GRU jumped on that!
"I was reading an article written by an herbalist. I studied about yeast infections and other genital issues. She said there’s nothing better than vitamin D.
I can think of several things, but I'm a Dirty Old Man™.
If you’re feeling depleted, go in the sun for an hour and see how much energy you get. Or, if you live in a place that has heavy winters, when the sun finally comes out, spread your legs and get some sunshine."
It's a vision to take your breath away. Especially if the vision is really, really fat.
However,
there's more than one way to skin a cat...
medical professionals are far from convinced the practice has any merit.
"What's your opinion, Young Doctor Kildare?"
"Those people are crazy!"
"Doctor Casey?"
"I got more important things to do."
"Doctor Quincy?"
"They're not dead."
"There is no evidence that sunbathing in this way has any effect on physical well-being," Dr. Diana Gall of UK-based online doctor service Doctor 4 U tells Insider.
"Works really good if you're into attracting attention, though."
"Yes, practicing mindfulness and meditation, and getting your dose of vitamin D, is beneficial for mental and physical health, but you don’t need to damage your skin in the process from sun exposure," she says.
"Not to mention any essential orifices!"
That taint right....
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