Article

2019-10-17 -Short Attention Span Theater-

Pope Announces Any Time Spent Watching 'The View' Counts As Time Served In Purgatory

[Babylon Bee] VATICAN CITY‐Pope Francis has made one of his official, Popey announcements. (For our Protestant audience, a declaration from the pope is kinda like when Russell Moore tweets something; it carries a lot of weight for Catholics.)

Anyway, the pope declared that any time you've spent watching The View in this life will count as time served in purgatory.

"Frankly, if you watch those women bickering, that's punishment enough," said Pope Francis in a speech. He declared that your time will be tallied up by the angels, who will then mark that off as though you'd spent the time in purgatory.

The pope said the exchange rate for time is about 1 hour of The View for a "good six months" of purification in purgatory.

"Exchange rates fluctuate, of course, and it depends on the episode," he remarked. "An episode with Alyssa Milano or Chelsea Clinton is obviously worth a lot more than a regular episode."

The show's ratings saw a small bump after the announcement but ticked back down when Catholics realized they'd rather just spend time in purgatory.

Posted by Frank G 2019-10-17 00:00|| || Front Page|| [7 views ] Top

#1 I wish y'all stop putting [Babylon Bee] - spoils my guessing game.

Posted by g(r)omgoru 2019-10-17 02:53|| 2019-10-17 02:53|| Front Page Top

#2 Easy to tell - they're evangelical Christians i.e. the only people left in this country who know enough about the various Christian confessions to make a joke that pokes fun at doctrinal and cultural differences between the Baptist and the Roman Catholic.

To the woke morons, Christianity's an evil blob, a mass of undifferentiated, fascist-leaning oppressors of womyn, travesties, unicorns and everything good and pure.

These people wouldn't know Luther from Luther Vandross, or Aquinas from Aquaman...

Posted by Lex 2019-10-17 06:59|| 2019-10-17 06:59|| Front Page Top

#3 spoils my guessing game.

We have to, lest certain parties complain they weren’t warned. Also, to be fair, that makes it consistent with our non-Bee articles, a practice we started to protect Fred when those vicious idiots on Las Vegas were threatening to strip him of all his assets. Otherwise the hint would be that they’re the only articles lacking overt source identification.

Posted by trailing wife 2019-10-17 07:38|| 2019-10-17 07:38|| Front Page Top

#4 I stand corrected

Posted by g(r)omgoru PB 2019-10-17 08:31|| 2019-10-17 08:31|| Front Page Top

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