It has come to my attention that my book sales ‐ robust though they be ‐ will simply not guarantee a comfortable retirement and I need to expand my product line.

What could be more timely or fill a better market niche in the current Hair Permanently On Fire Oppression Olympics than a Jussie Smollett Commemorative All-Purpose Do It Yourself Hate Crime Kit?

For the bargain-basement price of just $3500, you get:

• Two sturdy Nigerians capable of delivering a carefully-calibrated beating


• A rubber banana peel


• One water-proof fake poop swastika with suction cup suitable for a dorm shower


• Several lengths of rope, already fastened in nooses (for Scouts who were not in Scouting back when you could earn a badge in knot-tying instead of Cooking with Tofu.)


• A gallon of bleach which can also be used for laundry ‐ WHITES ONLY (can I say that?)


• A dozen MAGA caps


• One terrifying mask of a Catholic teenage white boy smiling


• Fake dog poop in a tube of soothing crème suitable for self-smearing


• One set of Sharpies in several colors and list of various offensive words ‐ hurry!
  Unacceptable Words can change daily. Remember "macaca"!?
  It actually influenced an election!


• One traceable swastika stencil so you don’t make it backwards like so many bigots with Carter era speed-limit IQs.


• A handy Velcro tear-away detachable hijab for easy removal


• And a frozen Whole Foods cake with "Fag" pre-written on it so YOU, the gay Hate Crime Faker, don’t have to waste valuable time or frosting writing that on your own.

But wait, there’s more! Because how can you fake a Hate Crime if you aren’t even a member of a protected group that it’s forbidden to hate? So act before midnight also to get:

The rest of the list and discussion can be read at the link.

And despite every advantage, look what happened to Jussie. (Well, nothing so far...but you never know.) His story stunk to high heavens from day one. But he and his platoon of lawyers are stickin’ to that story like Titanic survivors to a piece of driftwood. Maybe he’s going for an Insanity Plea. So how can YOU improve?

Remember to go where there are no cameras, no busybodies videotaping everything on their cellphones, no eyewitnesses. Try not to stage it in a part of town that elderly Tea Party/MAGA people would never be visiting in broad daylight, let alone at night. Do NOT pretend they said "This is MAGA country" in either Portland, Berkeley, the South Side of Chicago, or the Upper West Side of New York. Now it’s true that "Can you please direct me to the Holland Tunnel?" does not sound as threatening as "This is MAGA Country," but trust me, no Trump supporter ever said that to a random gay black person. Or any black person. Or anyone else. Ever.

Arrange to have yourself more severely injured than a little teeny cut below the eye on your pretty face. In fact, I recommend you sustain a small-caliber gunshot wound where it will not hit a vital organ, such as to the head. That lends some verisimilitude to the hate crime charge, believe me. There will be flowers and candles on the spot of the assault and Elton John will write a song for you. Go big or go home.