I managed to watch 10 torturous minutes of "Duck Dynasty" so as to catch up on the controversy.
In the tradition of American pop-theology--light on doctrine; heavy on hellfire and damnation--the ostensibly devout and "educated" Dynastic patriarch, Phil Robertson, phrased his abhorrence of homosexuality thus:
Aggg, Evita Bezuidenhout speaks.
| The gentleman in question has a Masters degree in education. He taught in public schools for years before his duck hunting stuff business took off. By any standard his mind ought to be considered educated without the scare quotes. As for his piety, isn't that for God to judge? |
'It seems like, to me, a vagina--as a man--would be more desirable than a man's anus. 'That's just me. I'm just thinking: There's more there! She's got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I'm saying?
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How profound. How refined.
The rest of this reality show's stars are unsharpened pencils too--dull, not particularly witty and plenty vulgar. Yet 12 million Americans draw spiritual sustenance from watching hours packed with dumb, Duck-Dynasty vignettes.
Better than listening to your drivel.
Easily the phoniest, most contrived of characters is Si Robertson. During the brief penance I served in front of the teli, Uncle Si voiced a Vietnam-era fondness for booster injections--Vitamin B he called this military mainlining. Si then proceeded to fondle and fall atop a mannequin in a clothing store. The lewd old man is, of course, a preacher too. Lovely.
Then again, this column was assailed when, in 2008, it judged Miley Cyrus to be a precocious, brassy, none-too-bright exhibitionist, singularly propelled by fame. Miley was "wholesome," I was told--even as she nestled in the arms of father Billy Ray Cyrus in various states of undress.
Ditto the Duck detritus: they are the new wholesome in America. Give them a few months, and the Ducksters' downmarket flourishes will include "Dancing With the Stars" and a teen pregnancy. The dynasty has already been conferred with the Barbara-Walters Mark of Cain. That dumbo added "Duck Dynasty" to her annual lineup of cretin, otherwise known as America's most fascinating personalities.
Hating America, but living here anyway. Real estate in Die Kaapstad.... so expensive.
"Duck Dynasty" represents "the best of America," came the angry retort from readers on Facebook. Oy vey
In my very best French accent:
F... you Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu- the Germans are here! Hello Americans! We love you! - Robin Williams 
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