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2007-07-08 Syria-Lebanon-Iran

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Posted by Hillary! 2007-07-08 00:00|| || Front Page|| [5 views ] Top

#1 What is it about, say, Iran, Palestine, Lebanon, Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Sudan that is so different from Belgium and Switzerland, that terror, rather than fine chocolates, should be among their main exports?

Inspector Khouri: (to camera) Hello. (he walks in followed by Superintendent Rukh and goes to desk) Mr Hafez? You are sole proprietor and owner of the Gaza Pipe Modification Company?

Hafez: I am.

Khouri: Superintendent Rukh and I are from the UXB squad. We want to have a word with you about your box of explosives entitled The Hafez Quality Assortment.

Hafez: Ah, yes.

Khouri: (producing box of explosives) If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the cherry bomb fondue. This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.

Hafez: Agreed.

Khouri: Next we have number four, 'shreddy frag'.

Hafez: Ah, yes.

Khouri: Am I right in thinking there's a real frag in here?

Hafez: Yes. A little one.

Khouri: What sort of frag?

Hafez: A deadly frag.

Khouri: Has it cooked off?

Hafez: No.

Khouri: What, a raw frag?

(Superintendent Rukh looks increasingly queasy.)

Hafez: We use only the finest military grade frags, hand picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality reagent grade ethanol, lightly fused, and then sealed in a percussive Swiss quintuple smooth treble jacketed depleted uranium envelope and lovingly coated with nails.

Khouri: That's as maybe, it's still a frag.

Hafez: What else?

Khouri: Well don't you even take the shrapnel out?

Hafez: If we took the shrapnel out it wouldn't be shreddy would it?

Khouri: Superintendent Rukh caught one of those.

Rukh: Excuse me a moment. (exits hurriedly)

Hafez: It says 'shreddy frag' quite clearly.

Khouri: Well, the superintendent thought it was a smoke flare. People won't expect there to be a frag in there. They're bound to think it's some form of mock frag.

Hafez: (insulted) Mock frag? We use no artificial detonators or accelerants of any kind!

Khouri: Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the words 'shreddy frag', and replace them with the legend 'shreddy raw unsafe real deadly frag', if you want to avoid prosecution.

Hafez: What about our overseas sales?

Khouri: I'm not interested in your foreign arms sales, I have to protect our troops. Now how about this one. (superintendent enters) It was number five, wasn't it? (superintendent nods) Number five, AMRAM Warhead Tip. (exit superintendent) What kind of concoction is this?

Hafez: We use choicest chunks of freshly demobilized Hughs AMRAM Warheads, emptied, rearmed, shrouded with fragmentary lining, coated with radar absorbing paint and furnished with bomblets.

Khouri: Bomblets?

Hafez: Correct.

Khouri: Well it don't say nothing about that here.

Hafez: Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after potassium chlorate.

Khouri: (looking) Well I hardly think this is good enough. I think it would be more appropriate if the box bore a large red label Warning Bomblets.

Hafez: Our sales would plummet.

Khouri: Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of incendiaries, like napalm or white phosphorus; a very popular ordnance I'm led to understand. (superintendent enters) I mean look at this one, 'bubonic cluster', (superintendent exits) 'anthrax ripple'. What's this one, 'spring surprise'?

Hafez: Ah - now, that's our speciality - covered with darkest camouflage. When you eject it from your launch tube steel bolts immediately spring out and plunge straight through all bystanders.

Khouri: Well where's the strategy in that? If people place a nice shell in their launcher, they don't want their backup crew pierced. In any case this is an inadequate description of the warhead. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.

Hafez: (getting up from desk and being led away) It's a fair cop.

Khouri: Stop talking to the camera.

Hafez: I'm sorry.

(Superintendent Rukh enters the room as Inspector Khouri and Hafez leave, and addresses the camera.)

Rukh: If only the defense procurement agencies would take more care when buying its munitions, it would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the brigades and they would spend less time having their wounds stitched up and sitting around posting at Rantburg.

Posted by Zenster">Zenster 2007-07-08 04:30|| 2007-07-08 04:30|| Front Page Top

#2 Next time post a coffee mug warning, Zenster.

Posted by gromgoru 2007-07-08 04:59|| 2007-07-08 04:59|| Front Page Top

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