Article

2007-08-17 -Lurid Crime Tales-

Cannibal tribe apologizes for eating Methodists

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Posted by lotp 2007-08-17 00:00|| || Front Page|| [1 views ] Top

#1 So, what are they going to do, dig a grave and throw up into it?

Posted by Zenster">Zenster 2007-08-17 00:11|| 2007-08-17 00:11|| Front Page Top

#2 Other end, Zenster. Other end.

Posted by Iblis">Iblis 2007-08-17 00:53|| 2007-08-17 00:53|| Front Page Top

#3 And then they'll write a mandatory 5000 words essay: Discourse on Method(ist), to prove that heir apology was sincere.

Posted by zazz 2007-08-17 01:14|| 2007-08-17 01:14|| Front Page Top

#4 THe funny thing is that the Methodists were Fijians and that Fijians were cannibals until they switched to Methodist prolezitiraing and Rugby playing.

Posted by JFM">JFM 2007-08-17 01:44|| 2007-08-17 01:44|| Front Page Top

#5 The Reluctant Cannibal

Flanders: A song which we call, "The Reluctant Cannibal":

Seated one day at the tom-tom,
I heard a welcome shout from the kitchen:
"COME AND GEEEEEEEEEEET IT!"
Roast leg of insurance salesman!

A chorus of "yum"s ran round the table:
(Yum yum yum yum yum yum yum...)
Except for Junior, who pushed away his shell,
Got up from his log, and said:

Swann: "I don't want any part of it!"

Flanders: What? Why not?

Swann: I don't eat people.
Flanders: Hey?
Swann: I won't eat people.
Flanders: Huh?
Swann: I don't eat people.
Flanders: I must be going deaf!
Swann: Eating people is wrong.
Flanders: It's wrong?

Swann: Don't eat people.
Flanders: Have you gone clean out of your mind?
Swann: I won't eat people.
Flanders: What's the matter with the lad?
Swann: Don't eat people.
Flanders: He keeps on repeating.
Both: Eating people is bad.

Flanders: But people have always eaten people,
What else is there to eat?
If the Juju had meant us not to eat people,
He wouldn't have made us of meat!

Swann: Don't eat people.
Flanders: Oh no, not again.
Swann: I won't eat people.
Flanders: All the day long.
Both: Don't eat people.
Flanders: He keeps on repeating.
Both: Eating people is wrong.

Flanders: Well... I... I never heard a more ridiculous idea in all my born days. To think that a son of mine should grow up to be a sissy - me, chief assistant to the assistant chief! I suppose you realise, son, if this was to get around, we might never get self-Government.
Swann: I won't eat people!
Flanders: Have you been talking to one of your mothers again? You're not getting to be one of these cranks who think that eating people is cruel, are you? Seeing the man sitting in the pot and you think he's suffering. Oh, it's not like that at all. Why, he's just had an invigourating chase through the forest, sitting there in the nice warm water with all the carrots and dumplings and things, he's thinking, "Oh, the pleasure and happiness I'm going to give to a heap of people". That man in the pot there, he enjoys it!
Swann: Eating people is wrong!
Flanders: Look son, son, I admire your sincerity. Always be sincere... whether you mean it or not. But you're young, you're young, when you're young you think you can change the whole world overnight, even eating people - I know, I've been young myself. Take it from your old Dad, you've just got to learnt to take the world as it is.
Swann: I won't let another man pass my lips!
Flanders: I know why you say "Don't eat people", because you are a coward, Francis, that's your trouble. Yes, a yellow-livered coward. You wouldn't mind eating people if you weren't afraid of ending up in the pot yourself - how despicable! If you go on like this you're liable to get ME into hot water.

Swann: I won't eat people.
Flanders: That's enough!
Swann: I don't eat people.
Flanders: I don't want to...
Swann: Eating people is wrong!
Flanders: Communist!

Flanders: Going around saying "Don't eat people",
That's the way to make people hate'ya.
We always have eaten people, always will eat people,
You can't change human nature.

Flanders: Now let's try...
Swann: I won't eat people,
I don't eat people,
I won't eat people,
I don't eat people!
Flanders: Must have been someone he ate!
Swann: Eating people is out!

Flanders: I give up, I give up, you used to be a regular anthrophagi. If this crazy idealistic idea of yours was to catch on, I just dunno where we would all be. Just about ruin our entire internal economy. Fortunately, I suppose it's catching on isn't really very likely - why, you might just as well going around saying "Don't fight people", for example...

Swann: Don't fight people? Ha, ha! Don't fight people?! Ha ha ha!
Flanders: There, imagine? There, you see! All part of the same...
Both: (laughing) ... fantastical impossibility!
Flanders: That's the boy!

Both: RIDICULOUS!

Posted by bruce 2007-08-17 07:11|| 2007-08-17 07:11|| Front Page Top

#6 bruce, I'm sure that dropped the toothpicks right out of their mouths! Encore!!

Posted by smn 2007-08-17 07:34|| 2007-08-17 07:34|| Front Page Top

#7 There was no confirmation that clowns do, in fact, taste funny?

Posted by eLarson 2007-08-17 08:04|| http://larsonian.blogspot.com]">[http://larsonian.blogspot.com] 2007-08-17 08:04|| Front Page Top

#8 elarson: LOL

Posted by Frank G">Frank G 2007-08-17 08:26|| 2007-08-17 08:26|| Front Page Top

#9 Reminds me of the old joke about Jeffery Dahmer, who had his mother over for a visit. As they sat down to eat, here's what happened:

Mom: I enjoyed meeting your neighbors the other day.

Jeffery: Thanks mom, they're really neat people.

Mom: But, I don't like the guy who lives right next door.

Jeffery: That's o.k., mom. Just push him aside and eat your peas.

Posted by BA 2007-08-17 08:36|| 2007-08-17 08:36|| Front Page Top

#10 What wine do you serve with Methodist?

Posted by tu3031 2007-08-17 09:28|| 2007-08-17 09:28|| Front Page Top

#11 TU- grape juice.

And Jello salad for dessert.

Sofia, the Ex-Methodist

Posted by sofia">sofia 2007-08-17 09:54|| 2007-08-17 09:54|| Front Page Top

#12 Soylent Green is people!

Posted by Korora">Korora 2007-08-17 10:56|| 2007-08-17 10:56|| Front Page Top

#13

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Posted by Anonymoose 2007-08-17 11:30|| 2007-08-17 11:30|| Front Page Top

#14 I had a goil friend i was tempted to find a large bowl for...

yep strawberries and creme and she hummmmmm....

Posted by Red Dawg">Red Dawg 2007-08-17 11:44|| 2007-08-17 11:44|| Front Page Top

#15 Other end, Zenster.

I said "grave", not "slit trench"!

Posted by Zenster">Zenster 2007-08-17 12:18|| 2007-08-17 12:18|| Front Page Top

#16 Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the
whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"

Posted by gorb 2007-08-17 15:26|| 2007-08-17 15:26|| Front Page Top

#17 Pepsi Cola's most successful American salesman was growing bored with trying to drum up new domestic accounts. In a flash of inspiration he decided to expand his market overseas. He took the globe on his desktop, spun it quickly, and jabbed a finger down at random. Beneath his fingertip lay the outline of Africa, so it was off to the dark continent to sell Pepsi.

Driving in his Pepsi truck through the African hinterland, he was ambushed and captured by cannibals. They trussed him up, commandeered his truck and drove back to their village. Out came the enormous cauldron which they then filled with Pepsi. Into the pot went the poor salesman. They proceded to cook him in his own Pepsi.

All except for his thing. Do you know why?

Wait for it ...

Because things go better with Coke!^®

Posted by Zenster">Zenster 2007-08-17 15:54|| 2007-08-17 15:54|| Front Page Top

#18 Real story. A older friend of the family was one of the early missionaries to New Guinea. He would do deputations in the inner tribes. This story was while the Japanese occupied the edges of the island.

He came to a village and noticed fresh knuckle bones in the fire pit.

He then went on to have his service. He got to the communion part and they congregation told him he could skip it as they had a real one the night before.

Cannibals tend to respect Christianity because in our Eucharist we eat our god.

Posted by 3dc 2007-08-17 20:59|| 2007-08-17 20:59|| Front Page Top

23:55 SteveS
23:24 Frank G
23:05 Zenster
23:05 CrazyFool
23:03 Zenster
22:34 Muggsy
22:30 ed
22:24 BA
22:19 Zenster
22:15 ed
22:14 Zenster
22:09 GORT
22:05 Zenster
21:59 trailing wife
21:56 smn
21:54 Zenster
21:51 BA
21:37 smn
21:36 Zenster
21:28 3dc
21:26 doc
21:24 ed
21:19 Iblis
21:18 RWV