Archived material Access restricted Article
Rantburg

Today's Front Page   View All of Thu 12/11/2003 View Wed 12/10/2003 View Tue 12/09/2003 View Mon 12/08/2003 View Sun 12/07/2003 View Sat 12/06/2003 View Fri 12/05/2003
1
2003-12-11 Great White North
Fruitcake: Canada’s Greatest Terrorist Threat
Archived material is restricted to Rantburg regulars and members. If you need access email fred.pruitt=at=gmail.com with your nick to be added to the members list. There is no charge to join Rantburg as a member.
Posted by Dragon Fly 2003-12-11 6:36:07 AM|| || Front Page|| [11134 views since 2007-05-07]  Top

#1 Okay, okay. I misspelled borders. Sorry.
Posted by Dragon Fly  2003-12-11 6:58:35 AM||   2003-12-11 6:58:35 AM|| Front Page Top

#2 I see a wall. A Northern Friendship Wall. A wall of giant fruitcakes.
Posted by john  2003-12-11 9:29:12 AM||   2003-12-11 9:29:12 AM|| Front Page Top

#3 The Giant Fruitcake Wall will be one of the modern wonders--and it will last longer than the Great Pyramids!
Posted by Dar  2003-12-11 10:16:08 AM||   2003-12-11 10:16:08 AM|| Front Page Top

#4 Fruitcakeium is one of the densest materials on the Periodic Table with a half-life of 2000 years.
Posted by Steve  2003-12-11 10:25:30 AM||   2003-12-11 10:25:30 AM|| Front Page Top

#5 Canada's secret Weapon: DF (Depleted Fruitcakeium)
Impentrable armor for our one and only Tank! Bwhahahahah!


Posted by john  2003-12-11 11:17:03 AM||   2003-12-11 11:17:03 AM|| Front Page Top

#6 Not to worry. See below:

Bentonville, AR - Supply chain specialists at Wal-Mart headquarters announced today the retailer's new Radio Frequency Identification (RFID) initiative has confirmed what the buying public has long suspected: there is only one fruitcake in existence.

"We stumbled on this discovery by accident," said warehousing expert Evan Rutherford of OmniOpticon Technologies. "I needed a doorstop for my basement, and I did a quick query against Wal-Mart's inventory for something suitable. And there it was with multiple entries in the database transaction logs, plain as day --- serial number #54340912, The Fruitcake."

"Who would have thought that a dessert with such a promising list of ingredients --- ample amounts of brandy and rum --- could go so horribly, tragically wrong?" lamented Rutherford.

Most historians believe the origin of the fruitcake dates from the ancient Roman Empire where military engineers first devised the dessert as ammunition for their catapults and seige engines. In this century, NASA engineers employed the fruitcake as ablative shielding for the Apollo 11 crew capsule. The world's fruitcake supply was believed to have been depleted as the shielding burned away during the capsule's reentry, but the loathsome loaf resurfaced. It was found when the wreckage of the Russian carbohydrate-powered submarine the Kursk was salvaged from the bottom of the Barents Sea in October 2001.

Some alarmists in biotechnology circles have cited concerns about the possibility of cloning the cake, an event which would unleash an avalanche of awkward gift-giving blunder this holiday season. Luckily, however, Wal-Mart's RFID finding confirms the Congressional ban outlawing the unauthorized reproduction of unwieldy, excessively spiced cakes is being rigorously adhered to by everyone with a token amount of taste and decorum.

Pentagon officials could neither confirm nor deny the accuracy of the single-fruitcake theory.




Posted by Slumming 2003-12-11 12:37:02 PM||   2003-12-11 12:37:02 PM|| Front Page Top

#7 Hey, we have enough fruitcakes in this country.
Posted by Rafael 2003-12-11 12:39:19 PM||   2003-12-11 12:39:19 PM|| Front Page Top

#8 Fruitcake, like bacteria, multiply by fission. One is all it takes...
Posted by Old Patriot  2003-12-11 12:41:49 PM|| [http://users.codenet.net/mweather/default.htm]  2003-12-11 12:41:49 PM|| Front Page Top

#9 Fission.... thank God for that, could be worse.
Posted by Shipman 2003-12-11 1:07:11 PM||   2003-12-11 1:07:11 PM|| Front Page Top

#10 What's the critical mass for a simple gun style fruitcakium weapon? You'd need the bread maker from the North Carolina to machine the thing.
Posted by Shipman 2003-12-11 1:10:15 PM||   2003-12-11 1:10:15 PM|| Front Page Top

#11 I can think of lots of fruitcakes I wouldn't want in this country. Unfortunately, they're already here...
Posted by tu3031 2003-12-11 1:59:15 PM||   2003-12-11 1:59:15 PM|| Front Page Top

#12 Where is the outrage over birth defects caused by depleted fruitcakium weapons? Huh? Huh??

(Embarrassed confession: When I was a teenager, my mother mixed up homemade fruitcakium in the kitchen. She has long ago given up these wicked practices, though, I swear.)
Posted by Angie Schultz 2003-12-11 3:19:07 PM|| [http://darkblogules.blogspot.com]  2003-12-11 3:19:07 PM|| Front Page Top

#13 I'm sure a fruitcake could have been used to induce blunt force trauma. I don't know of any restriction against me just bringing a brick onboard instead to bludeon terrorists with. Do you think they'll notice the handgrip i've chisseled into it.
Posted by Super Hose  2003-12-11 4:10:16 PM||   2003-12-11 4:10:16 PM|| Front Page Top

#14 Hey, we have enough fruitcakes in this country.

And they're all concentrated in San Francisco.
Posted by Bomb-a-rama 2003-12-11 4:42:53 PM||   2003-12-11 4:42:53 PM|| Front Page Top

#15 Supposedly my gram made delicious fruitcake. Would soak the fruit in brandy.
Posted by Anonymous2U 2003-12-11 5:47:03 PM||   2003-12-11 5:47:03 PM|| Front Page Top

#16 Hey, we have enough fruitcakes in this country. And they're all concentrated in San Francisco.
I wish! Unfortunately, we have a large number of them up-state in the People's Republic of Boulder, and a smattering of them down here in Colorado Springs. Seems to be a rather common disease, probably associated with childhood trauma - perhaps receiving that first fruitcake from the jolly old elf. You KNOW you've been bad when you get a fruitcake for Christmas!
Posted by Old Patriot  2003-12-11 9:25:48 PM|| [http://users.codenet.net/mweather/default.htm]  2003-12-11 9:25:48 PM|| Front Page Top

#17 Claxton fruitcakes from Georgia are the best in the World--no Christmas is complete without one!
Posted by NotMikeMoore 2003-12-12 12:23:18 AM||   2003-12-12 12:23:18 AM|| Front Page Top

02:11 Anonymous
02:00 John
10:53 Dar
09:45 raptor
09:16 raptor
08:24 raptor
04:59 Super Hose
04:49 Tony (UK)
04:22 Tony (UK)
00:32 NotMikeMoore
00:23 NotMikeMoore
00:14 NotMikeMoore
23:56 NotMikeMoore
23:51 NotMikeMoore
23:44 NotMikeMoore
23:35 Les Nessman
23:27 Les Nessman
23:22 NotMikeMoore
23:10 CrazyFool
23:08 CrazyFool
23:07 someone
21:58 Alaska Paul
21:27 Bomb-a-rama
21:25 Old Patriot









Paypal:
Google
Search WWW Search rantburg.com