Article

2007-07-20 Olde Tyme Religion

Archived material is restricted to Rantburg regulars and members. If you need access email fred.pruitt=at=gmail.com with your nick to be added to the members list. There is no charge to join Rantburg as a member.

Posted by Fred 2007-07-20 00:00|| || Front Page|| [11129 views ] Top
File under: Global Jihad

#1 Self-claimed mujahideen with their version of jihad are only distracting Muslims... ~~from the proper demographic jihad. What are they thinking, where they presume that slaves would come from?~~

~ Grand Mufti Abdulaziz Al-Shaikh Al-Taqiyyeen

Posted by twobyfour 2007-07-20 01:29|| 2007-07-20 01:29|| Front Page Top

#2 Self-claimed mujahideen with their version of jihad are only distracting Muslims,

WARNING: WE RECOMMEND ONLY GENUINE JIHAD. ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES.

Fake jihad does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either Muslims, my mosque, my Imam or the ummah. All jizya reserved. You may distribute this message freely but you may not take riba from it. Jihad is subject to change without notice. This jihad has not been safety tested for children under the age of 3. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show bomb construction detail. Intended solely for the private use of Muslims. Any resemblance to sane persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Do not remove pages from Koran under penalty of law. Wash hands and feet before use, dry bomb vest on low heat. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle Koran. Your blast radius may vary. No substitute jihads allowed. Daw'ah is for a limited time only. This jihad is mandatory where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Attacks may vary in Alaska, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico. Jihad is provided "as is" without any warranties. Terrorist assumes full responsibility. Past detonations do not predict future results and people can and do lose lives or body parts. This is an equal opportunity jihad. No shoes, no shirt, no jihad. C-4 quantities are limited while supplies last. If any fake jihads are discovered, do not attempt to carry them out yourself, but return to an authorized Mosque for service. Read Koran at your own risk. Parental advisory - explicit prayers. Suras may contain explicit materials sane readers may find objectionable. Parental indoctrination is advised. Keep away from line of fire. Keep Korans away from Jews and Infidels. Limit one free Koran per family please. No bomb vests on credit. No thinking necessary. You need not be sane to detonate. Some wiring required. Batteries not included. Instructions are posted at jihad website. Action figures sold at Mosque. No jihad is guaranteed. Slippery when bloody. Safety keffiyeh may be required during use. Fused for your protection. Do not pray if safety seal is broken. Shout Allahu Ackbar! before you boom. Not liable for fake jihad arising from use or misuse of Koran. For use against Jews and Infidels only. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, shout inshalla and continue praying. Read Koran only with proper indoctrination. Do not avoid extreme doctrines and conduct jihad in a cool dry place. Keep bomb vest away from open flames. Avoid contact with Jews and Infidels and avoid inhaling blast fumes. Puncture, incinerate, or stone all transgressors. Do not jihad near a flammable or magnetic source. Smoking your Koran could be hazardous to your health. Jihadi carries no cash. No alcohol, dogs or horses. Unauthorized reproduction strictly prohibited. No haram ingredients unless otherwise specified. Mosque package not for resale. List at least two alternate targets. First blow up, then fall down. Some whiffs of sanity mentioned in this jihad appear for identification purposes only. Record jihad attacks on back of Koran. Jihad is a registered trademark of Islam. No jihads until the thinking comes to a complete stop. Jihad only as directed. No other jihad expressed or implied. Jihad will be paid for by zakat. This is not an offer to sell jihad. Jihad may be too intense for some victims. Freshest if detonated before date on bomb vest. Jihad subject to change without notice. Assault times approximate. Simulated thought processes. As seen on al-Jazeera. One bomb vest kills all. Many jihadis look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-explosive ingredients. We have sent the jihadis which seem right for you. For Islamic use only. Jihad was current at time of detonation. You must be this tall to jihad. Jihadis have been briefed on some questions before the boom. You must boom to win. No truth, honor, integrity, sanity, rationality or cohesive cognition added. If boomed, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult an imam. May cause explosiveness. Alcohol may intensify this effect. Use caution when booming a car or bus. Possible penalties for early detonation. Loss of virgins may apply. Jihad valid only at Jew and Infidel sites. Slightly higher west of the Green Zone. Allow four to six seconds for detonation. Must be 5 to boom or marry. Jihads are closer than they appear. Jihad does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, sewage tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of Allah. Neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect indoctrination, unauthorized Koran reading, broken minaret or marred prayer rug, missing or altered serial numbers on weapons, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane hijack, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle exploding, dropping the Koran, falling mosques, leaky sewage ponds, broken greenhouses, rooftop swan dives, automatic weapons fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.). Other sharia laws may apply. Jihad ends in case of nuclear holocaust. Jihad measured by death toll only. Contact your local mosque for details. Explosives may settle in transit. May cause random outbursts of extreme violence, epileptic seizures, or whatever. Actual jihad may differ from explanation in sermon.

Posted by Zenster 2007-07-20 01:58|| 2007-07-20 01:58|| Front Page Top

#3 Clap, clap, clap. Bravo, Z-man.

Posted by Steve 2007-07-20 07:22|| 2007-07-20 07:22|| Front Page Top

#4 Whew! I'll need to take a nap after reading all that fine print!

Posted by trailing wife 2007-07-20 07:52|| 2007-07-20 07:52|| Front Page Top

#5 Zenster, that is the most amazing thing I've seen in months. You deserve a medal!

Do you mind if I send that to a few of my friends?

Posted by The Doctor 2007-07-20 08:45|| 2007-07-20 08:45|| Front Page Top

#6 So look for the Jihad label.
Fine piece of work, Zenster.

Posted by tu3031 2007-07-20 08:52|| 2007-07-20 08:52|| Front Page Top

#7 Off to Classix.

Posted by Seafarious">Seafarious 2007-07-20 09:00|| 2007-07-20 09:00|| Front Page Top

#8 Good job Z. Glad to see there are no idle hands in your corner.

Posted by JohnQC 2007-07-20 09:39|| 2007-07-20 09:39|| Front Page Top

#9 But all jihad is fake.

Posted by JohnQC 2007-07-20 09:40|| 2007-07-20 09:40|| Front Page Top

#10 Zenster, get some T shirts printed up.

Posted by wxjames 2007-07-20 10:32|| 2007-07-20 10:32|| Front Page Top

#11 That's just flat out funny. And yes, a T-shirt is in order.

Posted by Steve White">Steve White 2007-07-20 11:29|| 2007-07-20 11:29|| Front Page Top

#12 Do you mind if I send that to a few of my friends?

I would be honored. Only the best for Rantburg!!!

Posted by Zenster 2007-07-20 11:44|| 2007-07-20 11:44|| Front Page Top

#13 Zenster, you never cease to amaze. Bravo!!!

Posted by Swamp Blondie 2007-07-20 14:06|| 2007-07-20 14:06|| Front Page Top

#14 Any T-shirts with this on would be strictly prohibited for wear by the military as it is offensive.....

Posted by USN, Ret. 2007-07-20 14:20|| 2007-07-20 14:20|| Front Page Top

#15 Zenster: [Bowing three times in your direction] I'm not worthy!

Have you been holding that in reserve or did it just come to you?

Posted by xbalanke 2007-07-20 14:26|| 2007-07-20 14:26|| Front Page Top

#16 Have you been holding that in reserve or did it just come to you?

With a little encouragement from others, I've been including disclaimers in some of my previous postings. When I saw the "fake jihad" exhortations in this article the old light bulb came on and about an hour later the above sprouted from my monitor's screen. I used this ultimate disclaimer as a template and performed all the necessaryand ridiculously obviousIslamic permutations upon it con gusto. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

Posted by Zenster">Zenster 2007-07-20 14:35|| 2007-07-20 14:35|| Front Page Top

#17 For the record: Here are some important corrections.

Past detonations do not predict future results and people can and do lose lives or body parts.

Past detonations do not predict future death tolls and people can and do lose lives or body parts.

C-4 quantities are limited while supplies last.

Semtex quantities are limited while supplies last.

No alcohol, dogs or horses.

No alcohol, dogs or pigs.

Aside from those, the work stands.

Posted by Zenster">Zenster 2007-07-20 14:46|| 2007-07-20 14:46|| Front Page Top

#18 If any fake jihads are discovered, do not attempt to carry them out yourself, but return to an authorized Mosque for service. Read Koran at your own risk.

Hysterical!

Posted by Grumenk Philalzabod0723 2007-07-20 16:41|| 2007-07-20 16:41|| Front Page Top

23:45 Super Hose
23:39 Super Hose
23:29 Super Hose
23:21 Super Hose
23:03 Super Hose
22:15 Super Hose
22:06 djh_usmc
22:05 Zenster
22:00 WTF
21:45 Danking70
21:41 Super Hose
21:37 Mullah Richard
21:22 Frank G
21:20 Frank G
21:19 Slinesing Angomolet1065
21:19 WTF
21:16 Anguper Hupomosing9418
21:16 Bright Pebbles
21:13 Anguper Hupomosing9418
21:06 Iblis
20:59 AT
20:57 AT
20:55 RD
20:52 McZoid