Gorilla tried to eat my head

From BRIAN FLYNN
in New York

"It was a dark and stormy night..." Actually it wasn't, but that's the classic start for awful writing, isn't it?

A LAD of three was critically ill in hospital last night after he was savaged by a crazed gorilla that escaped at a crowded zoo.

"He was a cute lad, a good lad, a boy who helped his mother..."

Rivers Noah suffered a series of horrific bites and a collapsed lung in the frenzied attack.

"Oh!" she cried. "What did the child ever do to deserve that?"

But last night he recovered consciousness long enough to tell his family of the nightmare.

"Ma?" "I'm here, Rivers," she said, holding the lad's hand."

His distraught dad Amos revealed: “One of the first things he said was, ‘A gorilla tried to eat my head’.”

The ghost of Mr. Bullwer-Lytton just tore his hair in jealousy.

The 22st [22 stone=294 pounds but some stories said the critter was 350 pounds] beast called Jabari scaled a 16ft wall to break free from its zoo compound after it was taunted by a group of youths.
"Listen up, kiddies, Mr. Gorrilla is not your friend if you piss him off. It’s OK to torment Slavic Nazis but not real apes."
The escape caused pandemonium as terrified visitors fled screaming from the rampaging King Kong.

"Emergency! Emergency! Gorilla on the loose! Calling all cars!"

The angry gorilla grabbed Rivers, stuffed the toddler in its mouth — and sank its teeth into him.

"Hrarrrr!" "Let go of him, you beast! Oh, who will come to my aid!"

As mum Keisha desperately tried to wrench her son from the beast’s grasp it flung her against a wall.

[Thump!] "Ow!"

Keisha, 26, said last night: “It just came out of nowhere. I thought, ‘This can’t be happening, it’s just so unreal.’

"This is a dream, isn't it? Please tell me this is a dream!"

“I was watching this gorilla put my son in his mouth and attacking him and there was nothing I could do about it. He was biting him in the side.

"Wait! The kid said it was his head!" "Well, maybe it was the side of his head, then!"

“When I tried to stop him he just flung me against the concrete wall. He then dropped Rivers but came back and attacked us again.

"Hrarrr! As fer youse, me proud beauty...!" "Wait a minute! Gorillas can't talk!" "Well, that's what he was thinking!"

“Rivers is doing okay. He’s still in a lot of pain but I think we’re going to make it through this.”
I’m normally against big tort suits, but the zoo really owes this lady.
The 13-year-old gorilla ran amok at the zoo in Dallas, Texas, for 40 minutes until it was shot dead by cops.
Armed cops are usually around in Texas. In fact, there is no other kind.
Cheryl Reichert was injured when the gorilla snatched her as she shielded her terrified children.
This one too.
Speaking from her hospital bed, she told how the gorilla suddenly appeared at the top of a staircase. Cheryl, 39, said:

"Omigawd, Harvey! There's a gorilla at the top of the staircase!" "Cheryl, you've got to stop smoking that stuff! You have a family now!"

"We were in the bird aviary. We heard people screaming and running. At first, we thought it was a prank. Then, we heard more people screaming and running.

"Arrrrgh! Help! Murder! Police!"

People went into the bird aviary and then they ran out.

"No! Not the bird aviary! He'll find us there!"

Then we heard the door slam open.

"And there he was! Big! Dangerous! His eyes were beady and filled with lust!"

We were trapped so I threw the children over a little fence, except for my four-year-old son, Logan.

"Here! Catch!"

He was trapped behind a tree and I couldn’t get to him. I told him to stay hidden, that the gorilla had not seen him yet.

"I've got my eyes closed real tight, Ma!" "Shuddup! He'll hear you!... Omigawd! He heard me! Quick, Logan! Say something!... Logan?"

The gorilla paced back and forth. He came right up at me and roared and growled at me and he kept pacing back and forth.

"Hmmmm....," Jabari thought to himself. "Should I gnaw on her head? Or should I have my primate way with her first? Decisions, decisions!"

And then he finally went back down the stairs all the way to the other side of the aviary and I saw a chance to escape.

"I am, like, sooooo outta here!"

So I started pulling the kids over the fence and we ran for the door. But Logan could not get down the steps fast enough.

"Logan! Snap it up, goddammit!"

The gorilla saw the door opening and saw his chance to get out and he came running.

"Escape!" the ferocious gorilla thought. "I must escape! There will be females out there! And Taco Bell!"

I reached in and grabbed my son and threw him through the door and slammed the door as the gorilla hit it.

"Get out there, godammit!" [Spronggggggg!]

And of course this made him very angry.

"Ow! My sensitive gorilla nose! Oh! That makes me so angry!"

So he slammed the door back, slamming me against the wall and then he grabbed me and shook me very, very hard.

"'Shake it up, bay-bee!'"

He still had my arm and he just proceeded to bite it over and over again about five or six times."

"Hrarrr! Arm! I like arms!"

A boy aged ten was also injured and treated at the scene.

"Here, kid! Lemmee look at that... eeewwwwww!"

Zoo visitors told how the gorilla went berserk and escaped after being teased by the youths.

"Hey, guys! Let's go moon the gorilla!"

Witness Diana Gonzalez said: “He was banging on the door and broke it down, then he jumped out. He was growling and yelling.”

"Hrrarrr! I must have Taco Bell! And females!"

Zoo staff armed with a tranquiliser gun tried to stop the marauding beast, but could not get a clear shot.

"Bob! I can't get a clear shot! What if I hit one of the paying customers?"

"went berserk" "marauding beast", I love it, no PETA heads at The Sun.
Jabari was finally cornered on a nature trail exhibit called the Wilds Of Africa.

"It's the end of the nature trail for you, Jabari! Stick 'em up!" "You'll never take me alive, homo saps!"

Police marksmen shot the gorilla dead from just 15ft as it charged at them — still clutching a pair of white children’s sandals.
Hmmm, doesn’t seem like a great marksmanship challenge, but I’ve never had a gorrilla charge at me either.
Deputy Police Chief Daniel Garcia said: “My officers were in a very, very dangerous situation.

"We think he wanted our shoes, too!"

“We had a huge gorilla running through the zoo. It tried to charge two of our officers so we had to shoot it. You can just imagine the pandemonium we had out here.”

"Things did settle down after he was dead, though."

He added: “We felt terrible we had to put this animal down.”

"Sorry 'bout dat."

An investigation was last night under way into how the Western Lowland gorilla escaped.

"Yes! Let's form a committee to investigage how he escaped!" "Bob, he knocked the door down." "But did he have outside help?"

Zoo director Rich Buickerood, who evacuated 300 visitors, said: “He scaled the wall but this habitat is among the best in the country. This blows our minds.”
and our insurance coverage.
Jabari was housed in a two-acre enclosure with six other gorillas.

... but they didn't like him.

Gorilla expert Ian Redmond last night said Jabari had NOT been trying to kill his victims.
I’m sure that makes Keisha and Rivers feel MUCH better.

"He was only nibbling on their heads. Gorillas do that as a sign of affection, usually when they're hungry, of course."

He added: “Gorillas are amongst the strongest animals in the world. If Jabari had wanted to kill those people he could have with little effort.

"We're not even sure he was armed. They haven't found the gun, you know!"

“It is very regrettable that the police did not subdue this gorilla instead of killing him.
How? Wrestle him to the ground and cuff him?
“Gorillas are normally placid unless provoked — and unfortunately it looks like this is what happened here.”
We have some 350 pound gorrillas here in Lubbock, but they’re on the Texas Tech football team.
OSCAR-winning Lord Of The Rings director Peter Jackson’s next project is a special effects-laden remake of King Kong. The original 1933 film was a roaring success worldwide.