[Babylon Bee] BENTONVILLE, AR‐In a bold move intended to curb the thousands of deaths from vehicles each and every day, Walmart has decided to stop selling auto parts, sources confirmed Tuesday.
According to shocking reports, people have purchased car parts at Walmart and then those cars have been involved in accidents, proving a direct correlation between selling auto parts and causing deaths.
"We can no longer be complicit in an industry that kills over 3,000 people a day," said a spokesperson for Walmart. "Every time we sell a muffler, steering wheel cover, or flame decal, we are potentially causing the death of a person, and we cannot support that any longer."
"It's clear that bad drivers and poor road conditions don't cause vehicular deaths---cars do."
Walmart executives said they are beating themselves with a stick to atone for the deaths they've already caused.
"Our consciences will only be clean when we've been mercilessly beaten once for each of the millions of deaths that have been caused by automobiles since Walmart began selling auto parts," said one executive before solemnly beginning to beat himself with a baseball bat.
#1
Please, I was very disturbed to read this article
since I fix my own car!
I buy from Walmart to save on shipping costs.
I prefer Walmart and their third party sellers to Jeff Bezos.
I was slow to get it, since there was no reference to the recent WM decision to stop selling certain bullets.
Please, add a few more clues in this article for the clueless.
#2
Remington had a shotgun made with Sam Walton's picture and signature on it, the Remington 1100 Sam Walton. Companies rarely emulate their original founders. Even Disney is nothing like the founder Walt Disney.
Where I live, the overheads of an Airconed superstore with amenities and assistance personnel are often greater than the simple warehouse, stocking car-parts. You take your part to be replaced, or just tell them if it's a common enough item. You wait a few minutes and they bring it to you.
#11
Chasing away the pro-gun crowd will cut the Walmart customer base in half and the left won't fill the gap (even if they pretend to be pro-Walmart right now).
Increased prices on junk made in China or previously made in China will chase away the other half of their customer base.
Bad times get worse when you think Virtue signalling is a viable plan.
Hello, I’m Tom Nichols. I have very fierce facial hair. I am a super-brain expert authority (™) on all things. You can find me in the Naval War College, USA Today, and in the dictionary, under the word "insufferable."
I am in fact an expert on all things, except the management of time, 100 hours of which I spend on Twitter each week unclogging my nose at you fools who voted for Trump, you fools who are reluctant to vote for Socialists, and you fools who consider it conservative to appoint conservative judges. Which I have wittily dubbed "muh judges" while deriding you weirdos who oppose abortion. My Twitter handle is @RadioFreeTom because I’m sort of like the patriots who carried the message of freedom to Eastern Europeans suffering under the Soviet yoke, though I’m also on record as saying I’d vote for USSR fanboy Bernie Sanders over Trump. I am truly super-conservative and am in fact the suzerain, archduke, and General Secretary of all conservatives, so you have to listen to what I say, and I say vote Socialist.
My brand is being unorthodox, by which I mean "as predictable as Max Boot." Frequently I say something like "As a conservative . . ." before adding that I’d vote for Bernie even if he taxed used kitty litter, for Elizabeth Warren even if she made me wear waffles as underpants, and for Kamala Harris even if she made me drive to work in a golf cart covered with Barbie decals.
I am also an expert on humor.
I am an expert on so many things that I wrote a book on the awesomeness of my own expertise. I am not sure that you citizens of weak and feeble faculties can even grasp the extent of my knowingness. Remember that Will Ferrell cartoon, Megamind? I’m still waiting for my royalty check, but whatever.
ted'
Perhaps you’ve read my latest published piece in USA Today, an urgent plea for people to leave their shoes on when flying. I am a noted authoritarian ‐ sorry, I meant authority! ‐ on what other people are allowed to do when I’m nearby. This, too, is conservative. I keep a bust of Lenin on my desk in case I forget that the Kulaks can be liquidated if they get too uppity.
You may have noticed that I have many times urged Democrats not to compare Trump to Hitler, when I haven’t myself been comparing Trump to Hitler, saying he’s borrowing Hitler’s tactics, calling his voters Hitler lovers, saying Hitler would be pleased by Trump rallies, or predicting that the GOP will nominate Hitler next. Honestly, you folk of feeble minds don’t understand that when a true expert walks among you, showering the world with his golden wisdom to the tune of some 286,000 tweets, he will sometimes sound like what a person of lesser mentality might term a fool. They called Einstein a fool when . . . . I’m not sure when, but probably they did. You look it up. I’m busy.
What keeps me busy is telling everyone on Twitter that Trump is, like, a Russian asset or something. Sure, this has become harder for most people after the Mueller report kind of ruled that out, but when your brand is super-duper macho expert on all things, you can’t back down from things you said with so much manly confidence so many times. "Unfalsifiable proposition," you say? Peabrain. I operate at a realm beyond the reach of your sissy logical fallacies. I could explain it to you, but your cranium would probably explode. (Cranium means brain.)
Example of my prescience: I regularly tweet variations of "Who told you years ago that Assange was a front for Russian intelligence? That would be me." Okay, true, I said that in September of 2016, and the New York Times ran multiple stories on this in July and August of 2016, but not everyone is smart enough to go down to the newsstand and pick up a copy of the morning paper. Hey, some of the stuff I do is comprehensible to mere mortals. Sometimes I’m just your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!
I meant to say conservative Spider-Man. Yes, I retweet liberals who say things like: "There was no reason to vote against Hillary Clinton that isn’t, in retrospect, a better reason to have voted against Donald Trump," but only because my intelligence level is of such an advanced nature that I alone can perceive how a Hillary Clinton presidency would have been more to the liking of conservatives. Of whom I am one. As I keep telling you.
If you want to know more about my super-expert expertise, I suggest you contact a little place they call Harvard, where I teach. Well, not Harvard Harvard. It’s something called "Harvard Extension School," an online campus notable for its open-admissions courses. The people who call this a "glorified community college" are not funny and will be dealt with. Wikipedia notes that of the half a million students who have taken courses at the Extension School, "0.18% earned a degree." Do they need a degree, though? They got to bask in my awesomeness. I don’t want to brag, but at Harvard (Extension School) I hold the title of "instructor." They offered me "Global Leader in All Thought Categories" but I humbly told them I wanted to be known as just a teacher. Like Jesus.
BLUF:
[Irish Times] Pence, after all, is Irish American and wastes no opportunity to go misty-eyed about his love for the "Old Country" as he lards on his Mother Machree schtick on both sides of the Atlantic. He couldn’t praise Ireland enough on Tuesday ‐ "deeply humbled" and "honoured" to be going to the hometown of his mother’s grandmother and so on.
STRONG ENDORSEMENT
But, after he said all these nice things about the "Emerald Isle" and how much his boss Donald Trump ‐ he sent his best wishes, by the way ‐ appreciates us and all we do to help American security in Shannon, he delivered a very strong endorsement of Boris Johnson and Brexit.
No room left for doubt. As Pence read from the autocue and Irish eyes definitely stopped smiling, it was clear he was channeling His Master’s Voice. Trump is a fan of Brexit and of Boris.
#2
The Irish really are lucky. They have England to serve as the scapegoat for all their troubles.
Posted by: Abu Uluque ||
09/05/2019 11:20 Comments ||
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#3
I suspect that if the UK leaves the EU and Ireland stays that the Irish economy will take a substantial hit given the enormous trade back and forth with the UK.
Probably the Irish believe this also.
Of course, we don't really know how this will all play out.
Posted by: lord garth ||
09/05/2019 12:56 Comments ||
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We knew it was coming, the Trump mandated child suffering.
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The Pentagon said on Wednesday it would pull funding from 127 Defense Department projects, including schools and daycare centers for military families, as it diverts $3.6 billion to fund President Donald Trump’s wall along the U.S. border with Mexico.
#1
It's the Legacy Infortainment Enterprises 'reporting'. Do you think they understand the POM and the military budget structure, let alone the differences between a tank, a personnel carrier, and a self propelled gun? But, hey, it sounds good for the target audience.
#3
All of a sudden the liberals and lefties are worried about the funding of military programs.
The Dems are trying to deny Trump success on his 2016 campaign promise by denying him military funds for the wall. They will then try to hammer him in the 2020 election. Usual Dem weasel behavior.
#10
Fast way to get billions and billions of dollars is to shut down the (so far worthless) F-35 program and use the money on the entire wall, heck there might even be enough left over to do the entire US/Canada border!
#13
The F-35 is not worthless. I believe it was corruptly and incompetently managed, but it is now a worthwhile aircraft. The only thing holding it back is how awful our procurement officials are (the Israelis seem to have no issues flying combat missions with them already, years in advance of us).
[Washington Examiner] Former Defense Secretary Jim Mattis says he predicted years ago that Iran would escalate its provocations against the United States ‐ and he partly blames the Obama administration’s anemic reaction to an Iranian plot to bomb a restaurant in Washington, D.C.
In his just-released book, Call Sign Chaos: Learning to Lead, Mattis details his time as leader of U.S. Central Command from 2010 to 2013, overseeing military operations in the Middle East and Central Asia. "From my first day at CENTCOM, I knew we faced two principal adversaries: stateless Sunni Islamist terrorists and the revolutionary Shiite regime of Iran, the most destabilizing country in the region," he writes. "Iran was by far the more deadly of the two threats."
That’s not how the president under whom Mattis served saw it, though, and Barack Obama eventually fired the storied Marine general for what Mattis believes were his insistent warnings about the Iranian threat.
Mattis says Washington didn’t even inform him when Iran committed an "act of war" on American soil.
The duty officer at his Tampa, Florida, headquarters on Oct. 11, 2011 told him that the attorney general and FBI director had held a press conference to announce the arrest of two Iranians who had planned a bomb attack on Cafe Milano, a high-end restaurant in Washington that was a favorite of the rich and famous, including Saudi Arabia’s ambassador, Adel al-Jubeir.
As Mattis writes, "Attorney General Eric Holder said the bombing plot was ’directed and approved by elements of the Iranian government and, specifically, senior members of the Qods Force.’ The Qods were the Special Operations Force of the Revolutionary Guards, reporting to the top of the Iranian government."
Many pundits questioned the administration’s assessment that the Iranian government was involved in the plan. Despite Iran’s long history of overseas assassination plots, some observers were skeptical that the theocratic regime would attempt such an audacious attack.
Mattis is certain, however: "I saw the intelligence: we had recorded Tehran’s approval of the operation."
[ThinkAmericana] If you need an idea of how bad Trump Derangement Syndrome is then check this out. A man walks into Trader Joe’s and sends the left into such a frenzy. That’s all he did. Walk into Trader Joe’s, a grocery store, wearing a Trump shirt and people literally went insane.
Cheryl Boyles is the liberal activist and writer who melted down the worst. When she was grocery shopping with her husband and saw the man in the Trump 2020 t-shirt she started panicking. She said the entire mood of the store "shifted."
She was such a mess over the incident that she actually wrote a letter to the local paper about it. Green Valley news posted the story in August.
She seriously went to a full blown anxiety attack just by seeing a Trump t-shirt. Boyles asked the cashier to report the situation to management after her and her husband were "suddenly finding ourselves in a confined space with a man who looked the part of a typical Trump terrorist."
#1
These are the people who are running head long into a nasty civil war with their behavior. If she can't handle a civil individual out shopping in the t-shirt how is she going to handle real violence and the collapse of everything around her (like the people in the Bahamas are getting an upfront and in your face experience right now).
#4
Mass hysteria whipped up by an irresponsible media and Democrat politicians. I bet she couldn't even cite one specific fact to explain why she feels this way. She'd say things like "racist" or "global warming" but couldn't say exactly why. But then, this is what happens when you feel instead of think.
Posted by: Abu Uluque ||
09/05/2019 10:42 Comments ||
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#5
The man subverted her expectation of what a Trump Supporter would be like.
She should thank him for correcting her stereotyping behaviour.
Posted by: M. Murcek ||
09/05/2019 11:55 Comments ||
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#11
What she actually wrote in her stupid account of the event:
“We were not prepared for our checker’s response. Thanking us both profusely, she grabbed my husband’s hand like a lifeline, two fingers flying to check her own neck pulse. The Trump shopper had just been through her line and her heart was still racing with fear – she actually needed us to help her calm down! I wanted to run after this man and ask if he knew what he had done to this hapless woman, what he had done to us, but of course, he knew, that was the point and he’s got plenty of dark-minded company, and that’s the most terrifyingly awful thing of all.”
The Trump shopper sounds like a Terminator by her account.
#16
At least the Green Valley News realized how ridiculous she was. They printed 24 letters to the editor that ripped Cheryl for the ridiculousness of her letter.
There is good news about this story. Green Valley news received 50 letters to the editor about this and not a single one of them supported Cheryl.
A multi-volume chronology and reference guide set detailing three years of the Mexican Drug War between 2010 and 2012.
Rantburg.com and borderlandbeat.com correspondent and author Chris Covert presents his first non-fiction work detailing
the drug and gang related violence in Mexico.
Chris gives us Mexican press dispatches of drug and gang war violence
over three years, presented in a multi volume set intended to chronicle the death, violence and mayhem which has
dominated Mexico for six years.
Rantburg was assembled from recycled algorithms in the United States of America. No
trees were destroyed in the production of this weblog. We did hurt some, though. Sorry.
[Babylon Bee] BENTONVILLE, AR‐In a bold move intended to curb the thousands of deaths from vehicles each and every day, Walmart has decided to stop selling auto parts, sources confirmed Tuesday.
[National Review] An ode to super-brain mastery.
