...Argentine liberation theologist, born Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He was elected pope in 2013. Rather than setting up shop in Avignon, where he belongs, the first Jesuit Pope chose to reside in the Domus Sanctae Marthae guesthouse instead of the papal apartments. That was to show how humble he is. He is big on climate change, against consumerism, and in favor of throwing a blanket over homosexual activity within the clergy. He's not real sure about the Resurrection, about Christ's divinity, and a few other things that would have gotten him burned at the stake a few hundred years ago, but he's hot for a certain South American Earth Mother Goddess...
, hospitalised for bronchitis four days ago, faces a ''complex clinical picture'' that will require the 88-year-old to stay longer than originally expected, the Vatican said on Monday.
"Y'see, he’s mostly dead, but he's not quite dead! There's a difference, y'know."
After initially cancelling events through Monday, the Vatican said the pope's weekly Wednesday audience would not go ahead either.
''The results of the tests carried out in recent days and today have demonstrated a polymicrobial infection of the respiratory tract that has led to a further change in treatment,'' it said in a statement.
"Polymicrobial" means they found lotsa little germy things, but they don't know which one's connected to the runny nose, the inflamed throat, the fruity cough, or the occasional projectile diarrhea."
''All the tests carried out until now are indicative of a complex clinical picture that will require adequate hospitalisation.''
Getting old ain't easy. It takes a long time.
Vatican front man Matteo Bruni had earlier told news hounds that the pope was in ''good humour'', had rested well overnight, had eaten breakfast and read the newspapers.
"Hey! Lookit dat! I ain't in the obituaries today!"
"At'sa pretty good, Pope. I'll get the cigars!"
A source in the pope's entourage had also insisted there was no alarm within the Vatican following his Friday admission to Rome's Gemelli hospital.
"Hey, everybody! It'sa da Pope!"
"I ain't alarmed."
Francis was admitted after a ''very busy'' two weeks, during which ''he was weakened'', the source told AFP, but added: ''There is no alarmism.''
"Nuttin' to see here! Move along!"
A Vatican source told AFP the pope was receiving oxygen.
"Alla, she'sa well! Bene, bene!"
Yet the news of the more complex situation raises fresh concerns about the Argentine pontiff, who has suffered increasing health issues in recent years.
"Whaddya think, Doctor Quincy?"
"Hmmm. He ain't dead yet, but I have fresh concerns!"
DIFFICULTY BREATHING
In the days before his admission, Francis had admitted to difficulty breathing and had asked aides several times to read his speeches aloud on his behalf.
"Wottsa makin' you outta breath, Pope?"
"Breathing!"
At his weekly general audience last Wednesday, he said he ''cannot yet'' read his own speeches, adding with a smile: ''I hope that next time I can.''
"I'ma buy a tape recorder... [gasp!] [wheeze!]"
But he had continued taking meetings, including one with the prime minister of Slovakia on Friday morning, shortly before he headed to hospital.
"Don't invade nobody!"
"I wasn't gonna!"
"Call me an ambulance, wouldja?"
Francis had part of one of his lungs removed as a young man and has been particularly susceptible to respiratory infections.
Hmmm... A single point of failure. I'm surprised he made it to 88.
He pulled out of a Good Friday event last year after catching what the Vatican called a ''light flu'', but went on to lead Easter services as planned.
"In nomine [hack!] [wheeze!] Patris [cough!] et Filii [snurf!!] et [choo!]..."
"Hey! We're Catholics! We gotta use local languages!"
"Whatsa national language of Vatican City?"
"Ummm... Latin?"
A year earlier, in March 2023, Francis was admitted to hospital for three nights with bronchitis, which was cured with antibiotics. Another bout of bronchitis caused him to cancel a December 2023 visit to Dubai to participate in the United Nations
...an idea whose time has gone...
COP28 climate change conference.
Boy, he sure missed a good 'un! I heard Al Gore partied until 9:30. The crazed sex poodle left with a woman who looked like she'd stepped from the pages of "Love Story."
The pope also underwent a hernia operation in June 2023 and in 2021 underwent surgery for a type of diverticulitis, an inflammation of pockets that develop in the lining of the intestine.
"Wossa motta, Pope?
"Just my diverticulitis acting up, Cesare!"
"So you gonna be dead soon?"
He has been using a wheelchair since 2022 because of persistent knee pain and uses a cane during rare moments standing up.
"Lucretia, get me my cane, please."
"Sure, Pope. You wanta a little drink too? Maybe some nice grappa?"
Francis has also fallen a couple of times in the past few months, bruising his forearm in January and sporting a large bruise on his right jaw in December, caused by toppling from his bed.
"Wossa motta, Pope?"
"Lucretia pusha me outta bed!"
"I did not!"
"You go tella those bigga lies, you gonna go to hell, Lucretia!"
"Liar, liar, pants on fire! It was Cesare an you know it!"
"My pants onna fire? I ain't even wearin' them!"
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