[Bee] WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an impassioned speech during witness questioning, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez declared that RICO is not a crime, but in fact that DoorDash driver who delivers her orders from Panda Express.
"Rico is not a crime, he's a human being!" screamed Ocasio-Cortez. "I literally saw Rico yesterday, he brought me delicious General Tso's Chicken. HE IS A PERSON, NOT A CRIME!!!"
According to sources, Rico Hernandez has brought Ocasio-Cortez her dinner several times over the years and does not, in fact, have any criminal history. "The fact that you would accuse Rico, who so often has brightened my life with tacos, of being a crime is too much to bear," said Ocasio-Cortez, weeping. "He is a dear, kind Venezuelan man who would never hurt a fly!"
At publishing time, Rico had reportedly been charged with a RICO crime related to his work delivering little brown paper bags for the Biden family.