"I used to be 6'6", blond, and my name was Bob. Now I'm 5'3". bald, and my name is Herb."[BBC] The US declared monkeypox a public health emergency late last week. It follows weeks of concern that more needs to be done to contain the virus.
Don't share pork with strange men. That should do it.
On a private daily Zoom call, adult gay men who have contracted monkeypox compare notes.
"Oot! Oot! Gree! Cheeeee!:
They share their frustrations over trying to get tested or treated but being turned away by healthcare professionals.
"Eeeeew! Get away! Coooooties!"
They throw around tips on how to manage pain that gets worse with each new blister on your body and leaves you unable to do anything.
"Drugs, man! Heavy duty drugs!"
And, to keep from going stir-crazy as they wait for the lesions to heal, they bond over a shared experience none of them asked for.
"I play a lot of games. I never win."
The first US monkeypox case this year was detected on 18 May in the state of Massachusetts. Since then, more than 10,000 cases have been reported across the country, in every state except Wyoming.
I know what they don't do in Wyoming.
Although anybody can contract the virus through direct contact with an infected person or surface, men in recent sexual contact with other men have accounted for the vast majority of cases.
But just in case, wipe yer door handles. And wear a full-body rubber.