[Babylon Bee] Classic historical drama film Braveheart is receiving a reboot by Paramount Pictures next year, this time with an all-female cast. Lena Dunham will play the starring role of Willow Wallace, a "fierce Scottish she-warrior who don't need no man." Co-stars include Melissa McCarthy, Amy Schumer, and Beyonce. The band of female fighters will go on a brave quest to topple the patriarchy in 14th-century England, attempting to establish an all-female commune in present-day Scotland.
In an inspiring speech late in the film, Dunham's character will rant about abortion rights and healthcare for all, inspiring her squad of she-soldiers to charge into battle. "Aye, fight, and you may die. Run, and you may live another day being oppressed by heteronormative gender constructs," she yells. "But dying in a concentration camp run by Mike Pence many years from now, would you trade all the days from this day to that, to come back here and tell our patriarchal oppressors that they may take our lives, but they will never take our access to abortion on demand?"
The majority of the army is, of course, slaughtered.
*snicker*
"Historical drama films about men who actually existed have been very exclusionary in the past, insisting on casting men to play the men," said director Zena Noman. "We can finally end the discrimination that women face in not being cast for male roles. It's time to break the stigma."
Paramount is hoping the film can make at least $10 at the box office, according to insiders.
