[Babylon Bee] CROCKETT'S FORT, TX‐Local man Bob Paulson always refers to his favorite sports teams in the first-person plural, though the teams are exerting themselves and playing really hard while he himself is lying on a couch and covered in a thin layer of Cheeto dust."We really have to get the bullpen together, or it's going to be a rough postseason," he said a few weeks ago while watching his favorite baseball team. Sure enough, his team was eliminated from contention, and Paulson was devastated. "We've always got next years," he said.
Luckily, there's still the NFL.
"Our receivers are killing us," he said, shaking his head while watching Thursday Night Football last night. "Come on, we've got to do better!"
"We had some good pickups in the draft, but they just haven't panned out like we hoped they would," he added, head in his hands, fingers smearing a fresh line of orange dust across his forehead. "We're working with what we got, but honestly, unless we make some big moves before the trade deadline, we're gonna be up a creek without a paddle."
Sadly, his favorite sports teams have never heard of him.