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| -Lurid Crime Tales- |
| Three Reported Missing After Animal Rights Activists Take "War on Leather" to Motorcycle Gang Rally |
| 2010-01-06 |
| I'm sure this is apocryphal, but I can hope... Johnstown, PA: Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials. "Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong." The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer. "Motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it... Ergo, they should stop." According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers" to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began. "They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me 'La Trene', and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!" "I... I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket. And, he... he didn't even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, 'You can't prove that.' Next thing I know is he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and not left me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman." Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads." Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations. "That's preposterous," said on high ranking member of the biker organizing committee. "We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome." When confronted with the allegations of force feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer declined to comment in detail. "That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer. |
| Posted by:Fred |
| #10 Yep, that's it. I guess my question was a bit oblique, here, I'll try again. Why was the "Slut Spill" link removed from the 'burg? TW, thank you for your effort, sincerely, but I had already been to the Onion and found the piece. |
| Posted by: Dopey Ominetch3594 2010-01-06 23:10 |
| #9 Is this it, Dopey Ominetch3594? I googled "The Onion" "Slut Spill" and it was the first hit. |
| Posted by: trailing wife 2010-01-06 23:06 |
| #8 OT: Sorta off topic, what happened to the link to The Onion spoof on the "Slut Spill"? |
| Posted by: Dopey Ominetch3594 2010-01-06 22:51 |
| #7 According to one of the posters in the thread, it is a spoof. I s'pose I'm glad Darwin isn't quite that efficient. |
| Posted by: trailing wife 2010-01-06 21:36 |
| #6 "I was almost a Woman" > as God + Madonna + Nostradamas + Guam Taotamonas, etal. is my witness, I'm not sure how to interprete this remark. |
| Posted by: JosephMendiola 2010-01-06 20:42 |
| #5 Reminds me of that wonderful (and true!) story of the animals rights activist who was eaten by a polar bear. |
| Posted by: Iblis 2010-01-06 19:09 |
| #4 Now that was funny. The Onion gets a HT! I only wish it was real... |
| Posted by: 49 Pan 2010-01-06 17:24 |
| #3 Made the poor babies eat hot dogs? Awwww... |
| Posted by: BigEd 2010-01-06 17:17 |
| #2 If only this were true. But it brought a huge smile to my face. thank you for the laughs. Makes me wish I rode a motorcycle :-) |
| Posted by: Rahm 2010-01-06 16:37 |
| #1 The Onion? No? Really? |
| Posted by: Jeager Panda5130 2010-01-06 16:28 |