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Home Front: Culture Wars
Iowahawk: Lucky White Sox Fans To Get Mini-Bats, Split $800 Billion
Chicago White Sox front office spokesman Scott Reifert announced today that fans attending a July 11 twin bill versus the Minnesota Twins at US Cellular Field will receive a free commemorative mini-bat, unlimited ten cent Budweiser, and up to $800 Billion in federal bailout money. Billed as "Recession Demolition Night," Reifert said the giveaway promises to be the "biggest fan attraction since 1979."

The unique cross-promotion was the brainchild of White Sox GM Ken Williams and the Obama Administration, and Reifert said it took nearly 45 minutes of careful planning to work out the details.

"The Administration had $800 billion in unspent stimulus money, and we had a load of unsold tickets," explained Reifert. "I guess you could say it was a real win-win situation."

The Oval Office has come under some fire in the last week over revelations that only as small portion of the $867 Billion allocated to ARRA stimulus programs in February has thus far been spent. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that the joint promotion with the White Sox "shows the President is serious about ramping up the sweet, sweet cash giveaways that will get America back on its feet."

Gibbs attributed the earlier spending snags to archaic printing equipment in the US Treasury that melted down due to overcapacity stress. They were recently replaced by a new high-speed printer capable of producing 100 sheets of 100 $100 bills per second.

"Working 24 hours a day, and barring no breakdowns, we should have the $800 billion printed within the next 10 days," said Gibbs.

World green ink commodity prices jumped 48% in late trading on the announcement.

Reifert said fans would receive the cash via a spectacular between-innings airlift show. Following a massive fireworks display, 90 fully loaded C-17 Globemaster military cargo planes will each drop 85 tons of $100 bills onto the field. After an address by President Obama on the stadium Jumbotron, fan will be allowed on the field to claim their winnings.

"Don't forget to bring your sacks and pointy poles," said Reifert.
Posted by:Frank G

#5  It would be (nearly) 30 years since Steve Dahl's Disco Demolition night, though. Nicely played.

(/Insane Coho from way back)
Posted by: eLarson   2009-06-28 21:04  

#4  Thanks, I got fooled,
Jim D
Posted by: Redneck Jim   2009-06-28 21:00  

#3  *ahem*.....

Iowahawk is a satire site, RJ. That's why I note it in the title bar.
Posted by: Frank G   2009-06-28 15:35  

#2  according to Wiki the field capacity is 45936 people, divide into 800 Billion is having each attendee get 17 million, 418 thousand 534 bucks and66 cents EACH

Unless Oblahblahblah has gone insane, it's a typo.
Posted by: Redneck Jim   2009-06-28 15:25  

#1  800 billion would provide about 26,666,66 (Infinity)or about 26 thousand bucks for each and every one of our 300 million citizens in the whole USA.

I think somebody confused billions and millions.
Posted by: Redneck Jim   2009-06-28 15:19