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-Short Attention Span Theater-
A modest proposal
2009-05-22
So there I was: I had just had major surgery, a hip replacement. I had bled more than expected, and my normally high blood pressure was something like 80/48. There were puddles of hacky goo in my lungs from lying flat for too long so I had spells where I literally couldn't breathe, and I was befuddled with drugs. My doc had decided that maybe I needed a couple units of blood, and my nurse had set up everything for the transfusion.

I had a teevee in my room, and while the blood dripped I could watch it between drug-fuelled dreams that left no memory. At one point there were two shows on at once about hunting for ghosts. The History Channel had a show about the Big Bang. There was a show on about people raising money for a new porch by selling the things in their attic, and there were quite a few shows with handsome young lawyers-cops-detectives-investigators who were exchanging deadpan dialogue with comely young female investigators-detectives-cops-lawyers.

There was news, too. There are lots of news channels: Fox, MSNBC, CNBC, CNN, Headline News, and maybe one or two others. As I lay helpless, they told me about the important things going on in the world: Drew Peterson had been arrested. Nancy Pelosi was having a peeing contest with the CIA. President Obama went somewhere. Somebody had come up with pictures of Miss California's nippies.

I can't recall anything else they told me. Maybe it was the drugs. But as proprietor of Rantburg, which in fact carries more and better quality news than the New York Times, I wanted to know what was going on in Swat. You know, the place in Pakistain that's located next door to Chitral, where Osama bin Laden has his Secret Fortress of Doom™?

And Sri Lanka was at the tipping point, the ugly evil that was the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam ready to wink out of existence after 25 years of brutal warfare as the EU bitched, moaned, and tried their best to stop it from happening.

I don't think there was a word about Swat on any of the competing news channels. The furry-faced, buck-toothed Mullah Fazlullah continues driving around in his SUV with its secret, unlocatable FM radio transmitter, his ruthless myrmidons locked in mortal combat with the Mighty Pak Army.

There was a crawl across the bottom of the screen of Fox News that contained the words "Prabhakaran" and "dead." One crawl, one time. If I hadn't happened to be lucid at that moment I'd have missed it.

The transfusion finished. I turned the teevee off. I think the last thing I saw before I had more drugs was Steve Urkel. I slept, healing a tiny bit more as the blood of the anonymous donor mixed with my own, making me a little stronger.

By Monday morning I was feeling my old self, just aching differently. My physical therapists, two easy-going corpsmen just back from the Gulf of Aden, showed me how to do the stairs on crutches, and I knew where the computer room was. I made it there in the evening and found Rantburg was hung. Once I'd fixed that problem I could catch up on the actual news:
  • A thousand turbans were said to have been whacked in Swat.
  • Mogadishu was about to fall to al-Shabaab.
  • A Qaeda big turban was arrested in Karachi with a truckload of arms and ammunition.
  • North Korea was shrieking, howling, and spewing spittle at South Korea over Kaesong.
  • Pakistain's President Ten Percent was going to take the war to Waziristan once he's reconquered Swat.
  • An 11-year-old had been blown into the Great Beyond while brewing explosives at home in Khan Younis.
  • Joe Biden had revealed the location of his Secret Vice Presidential Bunker of Doom®.
  • The Tamil Tigers had surrendered. Prabhakaran was said to be dead. There would be pictures confirming that the next day.
Maybe it's just me, but any one of those items, with the possible exception of North Korea's continuing temper tantrums, is more important in the grand scheme of things than the disposition of most of Drew Peterson's wives or even Miss California's nippies. Our "informed electorate" is being fed pablum.

All this has to do with the very definition of the word "news." If anyone has lots of money they want to invest in putting together the "International News Channel" I can be hired for a moderate amount to oversee the operation. I can see it now:
  • desks for Afghanistan, Pak-India, Arabia, the Muddle East, Iran and Central Asia, Europe, Russia, North Africa, Subsaharan Africa, Latin America, Southeast Asia, North America and the Far East,
  • each manned by telegenic young presenters (maybe even who originate from those areas)
  • backed by subject matter experts competing among themselves to get the best stories up.
  • At least one story from each area a day
  • Agreements with not only similar news organizations, ala Fox-Sky News, but also Geo TV in Pak, al-Arabiya, al-Iraqiya, even ITAR-TASS, Xin Hua and al-Jazira.
  • Cut the opinion, push the facts: all Shepherd Smith, no Kieth Olberman.
  • Try and present the news with the assumption the audience has a 3-digit IQ
  • Add regular chunks of humor and even snark
Maybe we could keep the Lurid Crime Tales down to one or two a week, preferably involving the 11th earl of Someplace getting shot by his buxom taxi dancer mistress. We could maybe have a few nekkid royals, but absolutely no movie stars or pop singers (unless they've been killed by royals or politicians).
Posted by:Fred

#18  "Our "informed electorate" is being fed pablum."

You misspelled "bullshit," Fred.

Welcome back. :-D
Posted by: Barbara Skolaut   2009-05-22 18:34  

#17  I failed to mention reason mag and Breitbart.
Posted by: newc   2009-05-22 17:51  

#16  Rantburg is number 1 on my news list. I was thinking of combining it with PJ TV, Professional Soldiers, Optionarmageddeon, and the Corner on NRO. I am all about getting some kind of international news service up sometime. Though, I prefer to let the bezzle get cleared out first.

The quality of service from Rantburg is far above par, in fact, count on a donation.

Had I not had this news service for the past few years, I would have been in the dark so I want to extend my deep appreaciation and blessings to the staff here for consistancy, stability, snark, and just an overall professional product.

My deepest thanks and prayers for your speedy recovery.
Posted by: newc   2009-05-22 16:47  

#15  Fred, my opinion in a nutshell: Patti Ann Brown, aka The Nortorious PAB, yes. But Shepherd Smith? Please, NO.
Posted by: Thing From Snowy Mountain   2009-05-22 15:36  

#14  If anyone has lots of money they want to invest in putting together the "International News Channel" I can be hired for a moderate amount to oversee the operation.

I got $100 that ain't doing noth'n.

Hey, it use to be big money. . .
Posted by: GORT   2009-05-22 14:47  

#13  I've gat a coupla old lottery tickets I can throw in. I can also be a good Gofur if you can accomodate me and my animals. I may need to find a Home for Wayward Deacon Blues in a coupla weeks.
Posted by: Deacon Blues   2009-05-22 14:27  

#12  Especially when you're on drugs...
Posted by: tu3031   2009-05-22 12:46  

#11  IQ News, Straight up, like we like it!
Fred, even on drugs your brilliant!
Posted by: 49 Pan   2009-05-22 12:36  

#10  You've got my backing!
Posted by: Art ofWar   2009-05-22 12:05  

#9  Ima liking Long-Form-Fred. The repairs (and the rest) have done you some good, amigo.
Posted by: Seafarious   2009-05-22 11:59  

#8  That would be me.
Posted by: tu3031   2009-05-22 11:48  

#7  I changed the title. I was working on it (actually taking a nap) when somebody else hit "publish."
Posted by: Fred   2009-05-22 11:47  

#6  You've got my backing!
Posted by: Art ofWar   2009-05-22 11:18  

#5  (NSFW, you are warned) Nekkid Rantburg News in 3D. Care to go halfsies?
Posted by: ed   2009-05-22 11:09  

#4  Didya hear? Obama got a puppy!
Posted by: tu3031   2009-05-22 11:04  

#3  You'd hire Patty Ann Brown.


Well he said he'd hire 'telegenic young presenters' -- and Patty is forever young ...
Posted by: Steve White   2009-05-22 11:01  

#2  What happened to "Where's the beef""?

Is this the same article? It looks the same.

Posted by: Whiskey Mike   2009-05-22 10:53  

#1  yeah right. You'd hire Patty Ann Brown. I know I would
Posted by: Frank G   2009-05-22 10:44  

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