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| How Soccer is Ruining America: A Jeremiad |
| 2009-03-05 |
| Stephen H. Webb, First Things Soccer is running America into the ground, and there is very little anyone can do about it. Social critics have long observed that we live in a therapeutic society that treats young people as if they can do no wrong. Every kid is a winner, and nobody is ever left behind, no matter how many times they watch the ball going the other way. Whether the dumbing down of America or soccer came first is hard to say, but soccer is clearly an important means by which American energy, drive, and competitiveness is being undermined to the point of no return. What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch? (Bowling and golf come to mind, but the sound of crashing pins and the sight of the well-attired strolling on perfectly kept greens are at least inherently pleasurable activities.) The linear, two-dimensional action of soccer is like the rocking of a boat but without any storm and while the boat has not even left the dock. Think of two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns. Soccer is the fluoridation of the American sporting scene. For those who think I jest, let me put forth four points, which is more points than most fans will see in a week of games—and more points than most soccer players have scored since their pee-wee days. 1) Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it. Indeed, soccer is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability. Anthropologists commonly define man according to his use of hands. We have the thumb, an opposable digit that God gave us to distinguish us from animals that walk on all fours. The thumb lets us do things like throw baseballs and fold our hands in prayer. We can even talk with our hands. Have you ever seen a deaf person trying to talk with their feet? When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet. Only fools punch a wall with their hands. The Iraqi who threw his shoes at President Bush was following his primordial instincts. Showing someone your feet, or sticking your shoes in someone’s face, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. Do kids ever say, “Trick or Treat, smell my hands”? Did Jesus wash his disciples’ hands at the Last Supper? No, hands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption. In all the portraits of God’s wrath, never once is he pictured as wanting to step on us or kick us; he does not stoop that low.... |
| Posted by:Mike |
| #18 I don't watch any sports at all, EC. Once upon a time I used to pay attention to baseball and basketball (even played basketball - badly - in high school and college), but that was when the players actually played the game instead of getting into fights and/or dancing around like idiots every time they Nowadays, I'd sooner watch oil paint dry - it's a much more productive use of my time than watching "sports" - including football (either kind). |
| Posted by: Barbara Skolaut 2009-03-05 19:50 |
| #17 First, it's called football, thank you. Second, it's as "boring" or exciting as American Football. I've sat through extremely boring games of American Football when suddenly that last second kick off return touchdown changed everything. Same with football. Watched a match yesterday that had: No goal in the first half. Then 3 goals for one team. Then 2 goals for the other team within 2 minutes. Then a mad tush and the match upside down. In the last minute the first team scores a 4th goal. That's football. Ask ANY European boy whether he finds football boring and you'll get a blank stare from 95% of them. Now don't let me start with baseball. |
| Posted by: European Conservative 2009-03-05 19:37 |
| #16 ie the most insular nation i have ever visited!!!! Bummer! Give us another 100 years or so to repair and come visit again. |
| Posted by: Besoeker 2009-03-05 19:21 |
| #15 Re Paul2's comment: Back in the days of the Clinton presidency, John Cleese was on David Letterman and pointed out the differences between the US and UK. He said: 1.) We speak English better. 2.) When we host a World Championship, we actually invite other nations to participate. 3.) When you meet our head of state, you only have to get down on one knee. |
| Posted by: JDB 2009-03-05 19:17 |
| #14 Paul2,when did Toronto join the US? |
| Posted by: Deacon Blues 2009-03-05 19:16 |
| #13 If you are not world champions you are not interested! And the problem with that is? American football sucks as most players dont touch the ball American football players specialize; each contributes to make the team score or prevent the other team from scoring (like rugby). And as comedian George Carlin put it, it's a pretty good metaphor for war (which we in the US are also good at). |
| Posted by: Pappy 2009-03-05 19:02 |
| #12 Football/soccer is the most popular sport in the world bar none!!!!! Only in America can you have a world series with only one nation in it.If you are not world champions you are not interested! American football sucks as most players dont touch the ball,Baseball is played by a few contries like Cuba and Japan and Basketball is a chance to get out of the ghettos! Strange how only USA dont like football/international sport must be like the USA news only interested in only one country ie the most insular nation i have ever visited!!!! |
| Posted by: Paul2 2009-03-05 17:53 |
| #11 5098: The piece is not entirely serious. Speaking just for myself, both kids played soccer when they were a bit younger and they had fun doing it. I don't find it very engaging, and if my kids hadn't played, I probably would never have watched a single game straight through from end to end. I don't get basketball, either. Give me hockey, baseball, and the NFL. |
| Posted by: Mike 2009-03-05 17:29 |
| #10 Soccer is the only sport I know of that generated a war. Small as it might be there is something special about the Soccer War (and the movie Victory was entertaining as well for a lightweight geat escape). |
| Posted by: rjschwarz 2009-03-05 17:05 |
| #9 I'm no fan of soccer, more commonly and universally known as football, but this thread is a very funny illustration of cultural differences. I can see flaws in football, ESPECIALLY in professional football, but seeing it as pussified and boring and possibly even elitist is a riot, since I can't imagine a more popular and 'common people' sport. But, as I wrote, it's a cultural difference, it's very entertaining and interesting reading this thread, re pop culture, trends, and all. Football IS a girl's sport in the US : what a funny thought! Even the Sopranos had a bit about that one, with the paedo coach... I wonder how the RB resident britons, who probably are actual fans, unlike me, will/would react to the comments above. I think you can expect to be headbutted (signature move of the street tough who does this a lot playing football), metaphorically speaking. |
| Posted by: anonymous5089 2009-03-05 15:10 |
| #8 The riots are pretty good though. The games are so boring, they gotta do something to make people watch... |
| Posted by: tu3031 2009-03-05 15:09 |
| #7 Yeah, soccer sucks. The only good thing about it is on the Spanish stations, when the guy shouts "GOOOOOOAAAAALLLL!!" for three minutes whenever someone scores. Too bad he's only gotta scream it once or twice per game. |
| Posted by: Cornsilk Blondie 2009-03-05 14:52 |
| #6 I suppose this isn't the time for me to admit that I coached my daughter's AYSO soccer team for two years. We did keep score. Well, I did. |
| Posted by: Steve White 2009-03-05 14:35 |
| #5 And to pussify it even further, in the little kids leagues, they don't even keep score. No winners, no losers. Everyone is equally mediocre. |
| Posted by: tu3031 2009-03-05 14:20 |
| #4 Organizied soccer has contributed to the pussification of America. Ed and no mo suggest "dodgeball' is the cure. In my day we didn't call it "dodgeball". We called it Artillery. You can look it up. |
| Posted by: MarkZ 2009-03-05 14:01 |
| #3 Soccer, the official sport of socialism. You're dead on Iblis. Ever watch a foreign soccer game broadcast? The sport is so boring, people get engaged in cheers and shouting that has literally nothing to do with the action on the field. They have to, to stave off passing out from boredom. And this business of the short haired, fat assed soccer mommies and their candy-assed metrosexual 'husbands' putting their kids into a league where nobody keeps score is so unrealistic and dysfunctional it oughta be outlawed. Dodgeball is a good start. A few days at the range is even better. |
| Posted by: no mo uro 2009-03-05 13:55 |
| #2 And dodgeball is the cure. |
| Posted by: ed 2009-03-05 12:43 |
| #1 Yes, Virginia, soccer does suck. It's a lowest common denominator sport. Sports facilities and equipment cost money, but any third world shit hole has enough open space to kick a ball around (or lacking that, an empty can or even a rock). So, of course, the multiculturalists love it. And, having attended a couple of games at the World Cup in Palo Alto a few years ago, I agree that it is a miserably boring sort to watch. What was entertaining was the Cameroon royal family sitting in the stands behind me. They brought musicians and obviously know how to have a good time anywhere, anytime -- even at a soccer game. |
| Posted by: Iblis 2009-03-05 12:26 |