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| Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) |
| 2009-02-02 |
| Washington, DC - December 29, 2008, - President-elect Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act. AWNAA is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition. 'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA). 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.' In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. According to Reid, approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S employer of Persons of Inability. Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (93%). Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires. Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?' 'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember 'righty tightey, lefty loosey.' 'This new law should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL): 'As a Senator with absolutely no abilities, I believe the same privileges that we elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.' |
| Posted by:Besoeker |
| #13 Mad is hard! |
| Posted by: Barbie 2009-02-02 17:35 |
| #12 #10 I'm screwed. I got nothing but mad skills... Okay, Vader ... that made me chuckle! ;-) -EM |
| Posted by: ExtremeModerate 2009-02-02 17:05 |
| #11 It's already in the implementation phrase as noted over at Instapundit - "THE ECONOMY IS WEAKER, but the federal work force is growing." [..given the previous directive to cut 10% of DoD, we know it's not involving those with abilities] |
| Posted by: Procopius2k 2009-02-02 17:01 |
| #10 I'm screwed. I got nothing but mad skills... |
| Posted by: DarthVader 2009-02-02 14:27 |
| #9 hilarious...one of the best I've seen in a while. |
| Posted by: Andy Ulusoque aka Broadhead6 2009-02-02 13:26 |
| #8 Cute, but the original of this article was posted in the Onion during Clinton's reign. |
| Posted by: Cornsilk Blondie 2009-02-02 12:15 |
| #7 Who siad this was Satire? |
| Posted by: CrazyFool 2009-02-02 12:00 |
| #6 Actually there is an American with no abilities sitting at the White House. |
| Posted by: JFM 2009-02-02 11:49 |
| #5 Like maybe...these folks? http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/1217081mugyear20.html |
| Posted by: tu3031 2009-02-02 11:16 |
| #4 Isn't that what guvmint jobs are for? |
| Posted by: ed 2009-02-02 10:56 |
| #3 They should tack on school voucher program so that it never has to be extended. |
| Posted by: Jack is Back! 2009-02-02 10:44 |
| #2 The legislation was actually passed last 19th January. |
| Posted by: JFM 2009-02-02 10:12 |
| #1 This woman can really do satire. Great link, Besoeker. |
| Posted by: no mo uro 2009-02-02 10:01 |