The Hokey Cokey is an old novelty song that has been sung in music halls, at children's parties and at sherry-fuelled family gatherings for many years. But according to the Catholic Church and some Scottish politicians, singing the popular tune that begins with the words "You put your right hand in, your right hand out," may constitute an act of religious hatred.Ohfergawdsake.
A spokesman for the leader of the church in Scotland said the song had disturbing origins. Critics claim that Puritans composed the song in the 18th century in an attempt to mock the actions and language of priests leading the Latin mass.
The tune doesn't sound Puritany or 18th century-y. I'da guessed it was written sometime around 1910.
Now politicians have urged police to arrest anyone using the song to "taunt" Catholics under legislation designed to prevent incitement to religious hatred.
What kind of society arrests people for inadvertently "taunting" an abstract group of people? This is a joke, right? Is this from Scrappleface? Iowahawk, is that you?
Supporters of Rangers FC have been banned from singing anti-Catholic songs at Ibrox stadium to taunt their rivals Celtic, a club with Catholic roots. But fans of the club are said to be discussing on internet forums the possibility of getting round the ban by singing the Hokey Cokey at next week's Old Firm derby between the clubs.
Oh, horrors!
Peter Kearney, a spokesman for Cardinal Keith O'Brien, said: "This song does have quite disturbing origins. Although apparently innocuous, it was devised as an attack on and a parody of the Catholic mass.
"Therefore they must be killed! I have mobilized the Knights of Columbus and they are slaughtering partisans of the Rangers FC even as we speak!"
"If there are moves to restore its more malevolent meaning then consideration should perhaps be given to its wider use."
"The Pope has dispatched a Grand Inquisitor, who will be establishing an Inquisition within the next seven days, with autos-da-fe to follow as required!"
According to the church, the song's title derives from the words "hocus pocus".
Unlike the words "okey dokey," which are etymologically identical to "goddamned doofuses." You could look it up someplace if you don't believe me.
The phrase is said to be a Puritan parody of the Latin "hoc est enim corpus meum" or "this is my body" used by Catholic priests to accompany the transubstantiation during mass.
I remember now. The 95 Theses settled that mess. By the time Martin Luther died it was all over but the shootin'.
Several years ago, a canon from Wakefield Cathedral said the dance came from the days when priests celebrated mass with their backs to the congregation and whispered the Latin words of consecration with many hand movements.
Well, by Gad, sir! If you can't trust an unnamed canon from Wakefield Cathedral, who can you trust? Of course, if it was the Vicar of Wakefield that'd be different.
Michael Matheson, the SNP MSP, said it was important that the police and football clubs were aware of the sinister background of the song and took action against groups who used it in matches.
"Aye. 'Tis a darrrk and sinister song. She's been known to turn 4-year-aulds to ash in the twinklin' o' an eye!"
But opposition politicians and football fans ridiculed the critics of the ditty.
"Wotta buncha maroons!"
Murdo Fraser, deputy leader of the Scottish Tories, said: "I can't believe Scottish children performing the Hokey Cokey are doing so in pursuit of any sort of anti-Catholic agenda."
And if they do, so what? Are there no murders, no rapes, no robberies or burglaries for the descendants of Robert Burns to concern themselves with? Are there no motorists driving faster than the duly authorized speed limits? Are there no scofflaws parking their imported Citroens and Audis for longer than the meter doth allow? Perhaps the canny Scots should fire at least half their police force, since they obviously have not enough actual law enforcement work to go around.
Barry McFarland, 26, a Rangers fan from Stirling, pointed out that Scotland fans sang a version of the song praising Diego Maradona's so-called "hand of God" goal against England. He said: "The Tartan Army sing 'Diego put the English out, out out'. Does that make them sectarian? It is an absurd claim and a lot of utter nonsense that anyone would sing this in a bigoted way."
Next thing you know they'll be singing about the arrival of the Campbells.
Criticism of the Hokey Cokey follows a long-running row over the singing by some Rangers fans of the Famine Song, which refers to the famine that left one million dead in Ireland and led to mass migration in the mid-19th century.
Oh. Well. That explains so much. Here it is only the first quarter of the 21st century, so I guess memories are still fresh, the wounds raw.
And I thought it was the Hokey Pokey?