Akran Al-Hashemi, Iraqi journalist: I survived an assassination attempt in Iraq. I was hit by bullets – more than 70 bullets. I used oils, lotions, and all sorts of medicine, but unfortunately, nothing helped. Not even Inshallah Magic Bullet Wound Cream™...
I happened to meet Hajja [Samiya], and she said: "I can heal you. I will recite Koranic verses over olive oil for you – the Al-Fatiha chapter, the Al-Kursi verse, and the Al-Ma'wiztein." From the very first night, I felt a difference, and after one week I started walking normally.
Now I run the hundred in 9 flat and am on the Iraqi Olympic team! Thanks, Haaja! And thank you Koranic Verses Olive Oil™!
Interviewer: Hajja Samiya, it was you who recited Koranic verses over the oil, which he rubbed on his leg, and Allah has used you as a means for his healing.
That's right, Bob. Don't ask me why, I don't have a friggin clue either...
Hajja Samiya: Allah be praised, he was healed the very next day. To be honest, I myself was surprised. I'm not the one who needs to be thanked – I feel that God has given me a gift. I still don't know how it works exactly, but it works.
So, Ishallah, 19.95 and 19.95 shipping and handling and you can be cured of what ails you too! Order before midnight! The Prophet would want you to...
Egyptian Islamic scholar Zaghloul Al-Naggar: We have recently realized the value of the use of amulets. It has been scientifically proven that water is affected by what is recited over it.
Scientifically proven, I tells ya...INFIDEL!
Japanese researcher Masaru Emoto has had a unique experience. He said that he had read in a book that each snowflake falling from the sky is unique. He said that his scientific instincts told him that this was not true. The geometric shape of the snowflake is determined by its chemical composition. The composition of water is well known – two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. So how come snowflakes that fall from the sky are different from one another? He said: "I was determined to prove that this theory was false." He built a laboratory, consisting of a deep freezer with a regulator, because no liquid, subjected to sudden freezing, can assume a geometric shape. The freezing must be slow, so the atoms have the chance to crystallize into the shape decreed by Allah.
What's he think of that one?
He says he doesn't like it. Try it again.
There was a deep freezer with a regulator, a cold room at the temperature of -7°C, and several microscopes equipped with cameras, so he could photograph the snowflake before it melted. The scientists working in this room wore warm clothing. He said: "I took samples from two faucets in the laboratory, I froze them, and each sample gave me a different snowflake. The samples came from two different wells, two different rivers, from two different lakes. I almost went crazy and thought this was witchcraft."
Yeah, I can tell you're a scientist, because I believe "witchcraft" is step seven of the scientific method...
A Saudi student at the University of Tokyo happened to meet him, and asked him what was wrong. Masaru told him his problem. The student said to him: "We have blessed water, called Zamzam water. I will give you a sample of this water so you can experiment on it. The Zamzam water is not affected by witchcraft or jinns, so using it can prove or disprove the whole theory." Emoto took a sample of Zamzam water, and said: "I couldn't crystallize it, even by diluting the water by 1,000." In other words, he turned one cubic centimeter into one liter.
Well, it's obvious! It's because it's witchcraft and jinn free! And you call yourself a scientist?!
He said that when he diluted the water by 1,000 and froze it, he got a uniquely-shaped crystal. Two crystals were formed, one on top of the other, but they assumed a unique form. When he asked his Muslim colleague why there were two crystals, he told him it was because "Zamzam" is composed of two words: "Zam" and "Zam."
Isn't that obvious, dumb goofy infidel! It would be even stronger if it was called Zamzamzam water! Or even Zamzamzamzam water!
Emoto said: "My Muslim colleague offered to recite Koranic verses over the water. He brought a tape-recorder and played some Koranic verses, and we got the most perfectly-shaped crystals. Then he played the 99 names of Allah. Each name produced a uniquely-shaped crystal.
Isn't...that...amazing!
Then he began cursing the water. We said: Water, you are impure. You are not suited for consumption. The water, in this case, did not freeze, or produced an extremely ugly crystal." When they uttered bad words like "war" or "fighting," the water did not freeze, or else produced an ugly shape.
Do not mock me filthy, bad infidel water! You suck! I curse your jinns and witchcraft!
When the man completed these experiments, which lasted 15 years, he published a five-volume book called Messages from Water. He wrote: "I have proven that water, that peculiar liquid, is capable of thinking, fathoming, feeling, getting excited, and expressing itself." Okay, the human body is composed mainly of water. If a glass of water is affected by the Koran, wouldn't the human body be affected?
Yes. Take the research one step further. Really push that envelope...
Interviewer: An engineer called Sharif Shukran invented a device which contains water.
He calls it a..."glass". It has amazing magic powers!
He records Koranic verses in it, and the voice turns into electromagnetic waves that pass through the water, giving it healing powers.
...and you have my word on it.
Sharif Shukran: I was trying to deal with a problem that has not been discussed so far – Satan uses humans to record negative thoughts in water. For 14 centuries, we've known for certain that Koran verses are recorded in water, but we never imagined that everything that is said is recorded in water. I found out that one of the methods employed by Satan is to make human beings think certain thoughts, while cooking, for example. When a human being is near any type of liquid, he might pass his negative thoughts on to the water.
What if he has good thoughts but pisses in the water? Is that good or bad?
When a mother cooks... I've asked many mothers what they think about when they are cooking, and they said they were thinking about problems. Without realizing it, they insert all the problems into the food.
This couscous sucks, ma. You been thinking the bad thoughts again?
What does this device do? It supplies enough water to offset the water in the body that carries negative words. A person cannot go every day to someone who would read the Koran over him, nor can he recite it himself all day long.
So how much would you pay for this amazing device? 200? 300? A thousand dollars? How about 19.95!
Interviewer: Let's see how it works.
Yes, let's...
Sharif Shukran: The entire Koran is recorded inside this device. What I did was to use the same method of recording used by human beings. You can hear the voice, but if we press here, we stop the voice.
Amazing! Ooooh! Do it again! Do it again!
A couple on the verge of divorce began using the water. The wife used to complain all the time. After a month and a half, she stopped entirely.
Acid bath? Honor killing?
Things that she used to make a fuss over seemed simple all of the sudden. I asked myself how this could be, and I realized something – or at least, this makes sense to me. If a person replaces most of the water in his body with Koranic water, his body begins to emit steam which contains the Koran. This creates a halo of steam around him, containing the Koran, which fends off Satan.
Well, if it makes sense to him, that's good enough for me. Cuz he's an Islamic scholar, ya know. Another problem solved by Islamic Science! And our Friends at Religion of Peace Industries™!