Love is blind, especially after it's been maced: A couple argues and she sprays him while he's driving, deputies say. She's in jail.
By THOMAS LAKE
 PORT RICHEY - Humans survived the last several millennia through hunting and gathering, adaptation to habitat and generally heeding the self-preservation instinct. This instinct warned your ancestors to avoid many things, including black water and wounded rattlesnakes, and in recent years it has expanded to advise you against blinding your driver with pepper spray while your car rolls through public streets.
Makes sense.| Hmmm... Yellow snow... I'm hungry... Why is my spider sense tingling? |
But this instinct bows to free will.
"Outta the way, Instinct! I, Free Will, am takin' over!"
"You'll be sorrrrrrreeeee!"
"But I'm..."
"Shuddup, Reason! Piss off!" |
Free will is very overrated, IMHO.
Especially with a nudge from alcohol.
Alcohol helps sooth the pain. Witness the tale of Janine Marie Kelly, relayed here from Pasco County Sheriff's Office reports.
| Pray, tell on, whilst we restrain our insticts to giggle. |
 She was riding home with her boyfriend about 11:30 p.m. Tuesday when she seems to have lost her temper.
| "Honey, calm down! Lissen to yer instincts!" |
After interviewing both of them, a deputy was given to understand they had been at a friend's house, and she'd had a few drinks.
"Gimme annuzzher slugga gin!"
"Honey, that's yer eleventh..."
"Shuddup!" |
Kelly is 25. Her occupation is listed as "Dial America."
| She's a telemarketer? Hangin's too good for her!" |
She began to yell, the reports say.
"RATBASTIDSUNNMABISH!"
"Honey, I..."
"MUDHOLE!" |
Her boyfriend, 26-year-old Brian Ditalma, said the diatribe touched all Four Horsemen of the Domestic Dispute: Money, Children, Deception and Relationship Status. Then came the chemical warfare.
| "YER A PIKER, BRIAN! OUR KIDZ LOOK FUNNY BECAUSE O' YOU, BRIAN! YER A LIAR, BRIAN! I'M DUMPIN' YER ASS, BRIAN, AN' THE REST O' YOU WITH IT!" |
Ditalma's account makes it sound as if the attack was unprovoked.
| "Yeah. I wudn't doin' nuttin'!" |
Kelly told the deputy that Ditalma pushed her while he was driving
and she pulled a pepper-spray canister from her purse, reports say.
They were near the intersection of Stone Road and Harvey Lane in the Holiday Hill subdivision just east of U.S. 19. She sprayed him in the face, reports say.
[Pfffft!]
"Aaaaaiiiieeee!"
[SWERVE!] |
 Pepper spray, or oleoresin capsicum, is
| ... grounds for divorce in all 50 states, even if you're not married... |
600 times hotter than cayenne pepper, according to several published reports. He was in pain, driving nearly blind.
"I can't see sh*t!"
According to the Sheriff's Office, here's what happened next: He slowed the car to a crawl.
She opened her door.
And she fell to the pavement.
| [THUD! ROLL!] "Ow! I'm SUING!" |
There are at least three explanations for how this happened.
| At least three. Four and up are just more unlikely... |
He says she jumped out.
| "Dat's right, officer! The bish jumped!" |
She says he pushed her out.
| "Right. I pushed the bish after she pepper sprayed me. I found her by braille! And I reached across her to open the door!" |
An independent witness says that he hit a bump and she fell out. According to the incident report, the independent witness said, "Daddy hit a bump and Mommy fell out." The independent witness is 6 years old.
A 6 years old liar, and probably a junkie.| "Daddy stopped the car after Mommy pepper-sprayed him, but he hit a bump so she fell off when she tried to climb on her broom!" |
Regardless, no one was seriously injured.
"Hey, lady! Are youse seriously injured?"
[PFFFT!]
"Aaaaiiiieeee! My eyes!" |
The arrest report makes no mention of a crash, suggesting that Ditalma managed to stop the car without further incident. Kelly, of 8917 Harvey Lane, Port Richey, was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of domestic battery and held without bail Wednesday at the Land O'Lakes jail.
"Into da drunk tank witcher, Missy!"
[PFFT!]
"Aaaaaiiiieeee!" |
Ditalma and Kelly have been together 10 years.
| It's seemed a lot longer, of course... |
Their two children were in the car with them.
| Shoulda left 'em back in the trailer house. Sounds like they'da been safer alone, playing with matches. |
And if it appears that she took leave of her maternal instinct as well as that of self-preservation, this is the reason she gave for opening the car door. She wanted to spare the children from the fumes.
Makes sense, especially if you take free will and alcohol into account.| ... along with an IQ in the middle to low 2-digits. |
Thomas Lake can be reached at tlake@sptimes.com or toll-free at 1-800-333-7505, ext. 6245. |
