ARLINGTON, VA--Some of our most powerful weapons have been removed from the battlefield--and sent to a shopping center near you. "We hope that the sale of new consumer goods based on military technologies will raise funds to protect America and will help civilians in the little battles they fight each day," said Army General Bradley Moorer.
The spin-off concept is nothing new--civilian technologies as familiar as the Internet and freeze-dried coffee were first cooked up in US military labs. But this is the first time the military has begun to manufacture and market products expressly for consumers.
The first of these products, which will hit store shelves next month, is the TONAR system--a warning device built into bedroom slippers to prevent users from stubbing their toes in the dark. "The system uses ultrasonic pulses to detect hard edges and sharp corners in the wearer's path of travel," Moorer said. "A gentle ping alerts users to tread lightly whenever painful obstacles threaten their feet." TONAR slippers will be available in navy.
Moorer also revealed that military vehicle designers--who introduced the Jeep and the Hummer to the American public--have returned to civilian roads with the new C-5 Galaxy Minivan. "The giant C-5 offers four times more storage space than the largest SUV currently available--enough room to fit three high-school soccer teams and all of their equipment," Moorer said. "And when time is scarce for loading up the C-5, the entire driver's cab--hood, windshield, seats, and all--can be swiveled open for direct access to payload and passenger areas."
Of course, all this convenience comes at a price: the C-5 only gets a half-mile a gallon. That's why the Department of Defense plans to offer an in-flight refueling service for the colossal minivan. At the press of a button, the driver can summon--using the latest satellite-phone and GPS technologies--a KC-135 Suburbotanker truck. The arriving Suburbotanker will follow closely behind the C-5, attaching a hose to the minivan's fuel port, and providing gas on the go for unlimited round-the-clock travel.
Reliable sources have also informed Weekly World News that some of the military's most advanced projects--gadgets so new that they haven't yet reached the battlefield--will also find their way into consumers' hands.
A new camouflage system, which renders tanks invisible by feeding live images of background terrain into armor-mounted video screens, will soon be woven into the fabric of women's fashions to make love handles and saddlebags disappear.
Cineplex owners can look forward to new jamming technologies which will prevent cell phones from ringing in the theater of operations. And supermarkets hope to clear aisles for customers using new long-range pricing guns with laser sights.
"We're proud to share our know-how with civilians," said General Moorer. "And we look forward to your support. Don't forget the slogan for our spin-off campaign: 'It is sweet and fitting to buy for one's country.'"