| 'Conceive' prob'ly isn't the best word for this story. |
Living on their houseboat off the Marin County coast, anti-war activists Donna Sheehan and her partner, Paul Reffel, concocted a way for the world to communally create a lot of peaceful vibes.
| Like, whoa! Feel the peaceful vibes, man! |
They want everyone to have an orgasm on the same day.
| When did the global memo come out putting them in charge of everyone's love spasms? I don't even know these people and they presume to be in charge of my pee-pee and its workings? |
 On Dec. 22, they're asking the world to contribute to the Global Orgasm for Peace.
| What if the world tells them to piss off? |
Sheehan said not to worry if you don't have a partner.
| Sorry. I can't make it. I'm washing my crotch that day. |
Busy multitaskers shouldn't despair about trying to cram this global activism into their busy schedules, either, she said. Take any time during the 24-hour period at the beginning of the winter solstice to join the demonstration. Just make sure to think of peace before or after participating.
| And that will accomplish precisely what, besides wasting a tissue? |
Once you've committed, there's even a secret sign to show others that you plan to take part: Flash the universal "OK" sign and wink. Or, as it has been redubbed, "The O" sign.
| But it's a secret sign, so don't tell nobody, okay? |
Reffel and Sheehan are not just tossing off this idea. They're pros at launching global peace demonstrations.
| Professional peace demonstation launchers, eh? I guess it pays them well enough to live on a house boat, which if you've priced one lately you know ain't cheap. Not even a used one. And then there are the docking costs and that sort of thing. "BOAT" expands to "Bring Out Another Thousand," but I guess the aged, aged hippies have the thousands to bring out from their lucrative peace demonstration launching bidnid. |
In the run-up to the U.S. invasion of Iraq four years ago, Sheehan and a few dozen of her new best friends stripped naked and spelled out "Peace" on a Marin County field.
| Yes, I remember it well. Stopped the war in its tracks, it did, as soon as the aged, aged hippy lady took off her duds in company with a few dozen of her new best friends and they spelled out the word "Peace" on a Marin County field. You could grok the karma of the event for weeks afterward on the site, though the only physical evidence you could find was the occasional stray pubic hair. |
As photos of their naked activism spread, similar so-called Baring Witness demonstrations were replicated dozens of times from Australia to the conservative nether regions of Utah.
| The nether regions of Utah would of course be conservative. Conservatives are well known for stripping buck or doe nekkid and spelling out words in fields. Why, once I stripped nekkid and was part of the letter "W" as I and dozens of my new best friends spelled out the words "Lower Interest Rates" in a field in downtown Baltimore. That was just before the Fed cut interest rates a quarter point. Being naturally a shy fellow, and a bit on the portly side, I wanted to leave my speedos on for the event, but a comely young maiden (I think she was a maiden, anyway) explained to me that if my doinker wasn't exposed to the gaze of the entire world the ju-ju wouldn't work right and we could end up causing something other than what was intended, like a rash of housefires, or earthquakes in Omaha, or a Democrat congress. |
Their activism was rearoused recently when they heard about two U.S. warships lurking camped out around the Middle East, activity they fear portends war with Iran.
| The very thought makes them want to organize all their friends and their friends' friends for a global day of baloney stretching and lump-thumping. Oh, hold me, Ethel! |
Having experienced the futility of petitioning international leaders through mass nudity before the Iraq war, the pair decided to ramp up their tactics.
| If the sight of the heinie holes of aged, aged hippies didn't do it, perhaps a barrage of starchy tissues will! |
While the Global O may sound much like other collective actions attempted over the years,
the O's organizers promise something more on their Web site:
| Ohoh. They have a web site, too. |
"The combination of high-energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers."
| "Previous mass meditations and prayers have accomplished approximately squat. This is gonna accomplish precisely squat!" |
Just pick a time.
| How about 2 p.m. on Doomsday? |
"We wanted to make it during the cocktail hour," Sheehan said. "But since everybody is on a different time, then it would be harder for everybody to participate."
| Aged, aged hippies still retain the liesure to have a cocktail hour? I am properly envious. |
In a manner that could only be birthed in the fertile energy fields of the Bay Area,
| An idea conceived by a dipshit, brought forth by a loon... |
the Global O for Peace ties together activism, sexual identity, gender roles, the fledgling effort to measure global consciousness and the movement of battleships. The GOP -- initials likely creating the only link to the Republican Party deep in liberal Marin County -- is about more than the latest anti-war tactic.
| It's about looking like a total idiot on a global scale! Show us, brethren and sistern, your starchy tissues of peace! Ladies, who are not starch producers, should make audio or video recordings of themselves nekkid, pointing their toes at the ceiling and hollering "Oh, Gawd! Oh, Gawd!" |
Personally, Sheehan's experiences with the Baring Witness demonstrations opened up new avenues of self-exploration
for the 76-year-old artist.
| My ambition in life has always been to stare at nekkid 76-year-old wimmin as they self-explorate, especially when they're artistes. |
Since then, she has learned more about how women can initiate courtship, sex and peace, culminating this year in a book she and Reffel wrote, "Redefining Seduction."
| I guess it all goes toward paying for the houseboat, doesn't it? |
Not surprisingly, the Global O isn't the first effort to synchronize pleasure in the name of peace. Or even just in the name of synchronized pleasure.
| Also known as circle jerks... |
For several years, a weekly climax has been coordinated online (Webcams optional), and sexuality experts say there have been several other attempts to link pleasure and peace.
| ... or at least get sexual release on some sort of regimented schedule... |
"Yes, the vast majority of global orgasm coordinations have been firmly rooted in San Francisco,"
| Doesn't surprise me a bit... |
said Carol Queen, the staff sexologist at San Francisco's Good Vibrations store
| A store with a staff sexologist? I'm guessing it's a vibrator store... |
and a nationally recognized expert on sexuality.
| Why, yes. Her name's a household word. But then, so's Clorox®. And Kleenex®. And D-Con®. |
"It is natural to link pleasure and peace.
| Who the hell told you that? |
"If you're experiencing pleasure, you're not engaging in aggressive, destructive behavior. "
| On the other hand, and listen closely here, Ms. Queen, if you engage in aggressive, destructive behavior, when you get done, what you usually want to do is have a beer and experience some pleasure. Hippies and staff sexologists have no monopoly on the desire for the occasional relief of tension or hydraulic pressure. |
Not all such efforts have been successful. Queen's partner, Robert Lawrence, who is
president of the Center for Sex and Culture, remembers participating in synchronized pleasure-for-peace demonstrations in the early 1990s.
"One, two, three, stretch!
"One, two, three, stretch!
"One, two, three, stretch!"
"Ms. Queen! Ms. Queen! I'm gonna... I'm gonna..."
"No, no, Mr. Lawrence! Hold back! Peace won't come unless all the boys splatter at once!"
"Erngf! Baseball! I'm thinkin' about baseball!"
"One, two, three, stretch!... Let me hear it, ladies!"
"Oh, Gawd! Oh, Gawd! Oh, Gawd!" |
The results? "Shortly thereafter, I left my partner at the time," Lawrence said. "It wasn't exactly the peace I was looking for."
| "But at least Ms. Queen keeps my emissions regulated. That's something." |
Even skeptics like Jim Underdown, who investigates paranormal matters in California for the Center for Inquiry-West, plans to join in the fun -- even if he believes there is no way to transmit energy from one's brain to achieve a physical result. "You don't need a good reason to have an orgasm," he said. "Even a stupid one is OK."
| Oh, hell. Maybe I will participate. Blow me. |
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