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| Fifth Column |
| Overheard in the NY Times newsroom: |
| 2006-11-03 |
| It's even better with the links and conmmentary in the original... Times Peon #1: HOLY CRAP, Mr. Keller, did we just validate everything Dick Cheney and Colin Powell and stupid evil George Bush said to the UN? When we’re spilling secrets, we’re not supposed to do that! Keller: OMG, WE DID! We DID validate these scheming nazi theocon bastards!!! Times Peon #2: And…and…and what about Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame and those sixteen words Bush said…you know, the impeachable 16 words about the Brit intelligence and the Yellowcake! Jim Geraghty at TKS says we might have freaking validated that story, too! Keller: Ohhhhhh crap! And freaking bloggers! Okay, let’s spin this, baby, spin it! All hands on deck! Turn this ship around! Call Chris Matthews! Call MoDo - no, wait, don’t call her, she’ll make it worse by pretending to be Emma Peel, or something - call Bob Herbert! He’s a wiz at shifting the rudder! Spin, spin! Call Olbermann! Peon #3: Aye, Aye, captain! Uh, sir, Olbermann is chewing floorboard and Matthews is crying, again. Should we call Judith Miller, sir? Keller: Jesus God Almighty! No, no, just let her stay buried! Times Peon #2: There is no God but Allah, sir, and Mohammed is his prophet. Be careful with those acclamations or we might get into trouble with Islamofa- Keller: Don’t you say Islamofascists, Peon! You know the only fascists on this planet live in the White House and…some place in Kansas… Times Peon #2: Sorry sir, lost my head - a confusing day. Anyway, we want them on our side, sir, the ummmm…non-fascist Islamists. They’re telling people that the Democrats should win this election! Keller: Exactly. Thank you, Peon, you’re a good man for reminding me about them. You’re right, this is no time to lose our heads! Times Peon #1: Hah-haha, good pun, sir! Keller: Pun, hell, I’m quite serious! (Pounding well-coiffed head against the newsroom’s fifth column)…I gotta think…gotta think…we need…we require…we gotta get Clinton in on this, no choice, only Clinton can spin this thing as adroitly as we’re going to need! Times Peon #3: Which Clinton would that be, sir? Bill Clinton was on the cover of Time Magazine calling Saddam out in 1998 and saying he had WMD and possibly nukes! Hillary Clinton said in 2003 that the intelligence that stupid evil Bush was showing congress was “consistant with what we saw in the White House in the 1990’s.” Times Peon #2: And besides, sir, you’re going to have a hard time using Clinton if the bloggers start reminding everyone about the nuke trigger he gave to Iran in 2000! Keller: (under his breath) Damn! Freaking Clintons, can never count on them for anything! What about Gore! Times Peon #1: Unavailable, sir! Flying a private jet to Iceland to warn about Global Warning, the biggest threat facing the world at this time, as you know! Keller: Kobayashi Maru? Peon #2: Fiction, sir. Star Trek, I think? Keller: Albright! Gimmee Albright! Times Peon #3: Under the desk with her head down on her knees, sir, with Byron Calame! She’s in a sort of trance muttering this over and over again: “Iraq is a long way from [here], but what happens there matters a great deal here. For the risks that the leaders of a rogue state will use nuclear, chemical or biological weapons against us or our allies is the greatest security threat we face. I knew that when I said it on Feb 18, 1998.” She keeps saying it, sir. And Calame is saying, “Banking data, NSA leak…no way out, no way out, no way out.” Times Peon #1: Albright and Calame have gone bye-bye, sir. Keller: I always did think they were the same person…alright, you know what? Get Kerry. Bring on John Kerry! He was a sailor! He’ll spin this wheel and turn us aright! He knows how to get out the information we want gotten out. And besides, he owes us! We shot down the Swiftboat Vets and never asked to see Kerry’s milrecords, and we and got him an extra 10-15% in 2004! Times Peon #2: Confined to quarters, sir, on account of nobody really likes him, much. Keller: Okay,dammit, then sound the sirens! Dive! Dive! Dive! Times Peon #2: Sir, we’re not a submarine, we are the majestic shining jewel of the journalistic sea! We are The TIMESTANIC! Times Peon #1: Iceberg, straigh’ ahead! |
| Posted by:Seafarious |
| #3 Indeed, john, Pinchy Orwell has his minions on the job. |
| Posted by: .com 2006-11-03 15:48 |
| #2 This I think is called a setup. All the stories about Iraq and WMDs and terrorism that were LIES, wrong when George Bush and the evil Republicans told them, will now be the TRUTH when Nancy, Hillary and the Democrats 'uncover' them. John Kerry started it. See, those stupid soldiers and Rumsfeld, they couldn't find the WMDs, couldn't finish what they started in Iraq. But thanks to the smart NYT, all is revealed! History is being rerwritten before our eyes. |
| Posted by: john 2006-11-03 15:45 |
| #1 OMG! This is hillarious! You wanna see "November surprises," NY Slimes? You just gave us the ultimate one, lol! |
| Posted by: BA 2006-11-03 11:12 |