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| -Short Attention Span Theater- | |
| Armed Dophins Escape (Anglo-ChiCom tin-foilery) | |
| 2005-10-03 | |
It may be the oddest tale to emerge from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico. Experts who have studied the US navy's cetacean training exercises claim the 36 mammals could be carrying "toxic dart" guns. Who are these experts and what evidence is there that the critters were trained to use such devices? Divers and surfers risk attack, they claim, from a species considered to be among the planet's smartest. The US navy admits it has been training dolphins for military purposes, but has refused to confirm that any are missing. Yes, they might be expected not to confirm this if it isn't true. Dolphins have been trained in attack-and-kill missions since the Cold War. .....and we know this because.... The US Atlantic bottlenose dolphins have apparently been taught to shoot terrorists attacking military vessels. We can always hope. Being smart, they might have just cooked up the idea on their own, like when Geraldo Rivera promised to personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he ran across him in Afghanistan. Their coastal compound was breached during the storm, sweeping them out to sea. But those who have studied the controversial use of dolphins in the US defence programme claim it is vital they are caught quickly. Leo Sheridan, 72, a respected accident investigator who has worked for government and industry, said he had received intelligence from sources close to the US government's marine fisheries service confirming dolphins had escaped. Why is Sheridan the only one who knows this? "My concern is that they have learnt to shoot at divers in wetsuits who have simulated terrorists in exercises." If divers or windsurfers are mistaken for a spy or suicide bomber and if equipped with special harnesses carrying toxic darts, they could fire," he said. "The darts are designed to put the target to sleep so they can be interrogated later, but what happens if the victim is not found for hours?" Usually dolphins were controlled via signals transmitted through a neck harness. "The question is, were these dolphins made secure before Katrina struck?" said Sheridan. The mystery surfaced when a separate group of dolphins was washed from a commercial oceanarium on the Mississippi coast during Katrina. This story apparently originated in the Observer and has been thoroughly debunked at the Museum of Hoaxes, which calls Sheridan "The Observer's crackpot on call." He has commented for them on other dolphin incidents, crop circles, and the 1941 plane crash that killed British aviator Amy Johnson (a conspiracy naturally). | |
| Posted by:Clock Phoger6260 |
| #12 Ah, but it was the dolphins that blew the levees! The dolphins were washed out before the levees breached. They were hungry and need back into the city. So they blew the levees. You see by flooding the city they were able to get to the poor black folk. Everyone knows that dolphins like dark meat! Damn I'm going to hell for that... |
| Posted by: AllahHateMe 2005-10-03 15:55 |
| #11 The reason they haven't found them is because they got beamed up to Calypso Louie's Mothership. They're going to hide their til they spot the right targets in the ocean. |
| Posted by: Silentbrick 2005-10-03 13:32 |
| #10 "with FRICKIN' LASER BEAMS!" |
| Posted by: mojo 2005-10-03 10:54 |
| #9 Oh please. IF they exist and IF they have gone AWOL then just check the slopchutes in Atlantis. Just like all other swabbies on leave, five will get you twenty they are spending all their clams, feeding some cute minnow a line while trying to avoid a bad case of the crabs. (Appologies to Kip Addota) |
| Posted by: Doc8404 2005-10-03 10:38 |
| #8 Sharptonian policy of genocide Exquisite. Kudos to JM! |
| Posted by: Seafarious 2005-10-03 10:31 |
| #7 Smart animals, no thumbs. Next! |
| Posted by: Evert V. in NL 2005-10-03 10:13 |
| #6 They be cruising the blown up levees of New Orleans hunting, killing, and eating poor black folks! I told you dumbass crackers that the other day! |
| Posted by: Louis Farrakhan 2005-10-03 09:14 |
| #5 Go Joe go! |
| Posted by: Shipman 2005-10-03 09:08 |
| #4 Speaking of weird Kastrina stories, was there any follow up on the news report of the 5 people killed in a shootout with police? http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2005/09/05/1125772439555.html?from=top5 |
| Posted by: Penguin 2005-10-03 01:44 |
| #3 Even they followed natural instincts to escape Dubya's wily dastardly meany ordering of the Hurricanes and subsequent destruction of the levees in order to that the Fed ala FEMA can engage in its Sharptonian policy of genocide ags NOLA's black and poor, they would've returned to their handlers. I second that. |
| Posted by: Dawg 2005-10-03 00:29 |
| #2 AL Qaeda's world-feared vast army of mad Mad MAD CAMEL-KAZES can breathe underwater. masterful Joe! |
| Posted by: Dawg 2005-10-03 00:26 |
| #1 Iff "trained" armed dolphins fled their Hole-In-The-Wall, it means these were NOT trained dolphins. Even they followed natural instincts to escape Dubya's wily dastardly meany ordering of the Hurricanes and subsequent destruction of the levees in order to that the Fed ala FEMA can engage in its Sharptonian policy of genocide ags NOLA's black and poor, they would've returned to their handlers. I sincerely doubt AL Qaeda's world-feared vast army of mad Mad MAD CAMEL-KAZES can breathe underwater. |
| Posted by: JosephMendiola 2005-10-03 00:20 |