All signs point to Kingdom of Heaven having something to do with the Christian Crusades of the 11th to 13th centuries. If, that is, by "all signs" you mean the synopsis at Yahoo! Movies. Actually slogging through the film is another experience altogether. Director Ridley Scott's apparent stab at recapturing the success of Gladiator is a staggeringly lazy, leg-twitchingly dull, unholy mess.

This reign of dreariness stars Orlando Bloom, who has a frankly bizarre attraction to costume dramas (see Pirates of the Caribbean, Troy), as a blacksmith. The year is 1184. The place is France. The atmosphere is bleak. (Oh, and boring.) Bloom's character, Balian, is recently widowed and prone to staring moodily at fire. By tragic circumstance of era, he cannot simply get his life back together by appearing on a Dr. Phil episode about healthy grieving. So when Liam Neeson shows up, all "I am your father, Luke," Balian sets off on this fateful (boring) journey to Jerusalem.

If any of this sounds remotely diverting, it is important to remember that it is not. And the problem is not simply that Kingdom of Heaven is about 97 million hours long. It's as though Scott, along with first-time screenwriter William Monahan, has declared a jihad on entertainment value. The most engaging part of the movie comes a mere (and yet interminable) 15 minutes in, when Neeson's character suffers some grievous (and tedious) injury and is told of his uncertain fate. "Get me some more wine," he says wearily, and already you're right there with him.

Just how mind-numbing is this pseudo-epic? When I first scratched out most of these words, it was actually in the darkened theater while the movie was still playing -- despite my increasingly desperate entreaties to every deity imaginable. Nearly two hours in, the movie showed absolutely no indication it would ever stop. And it would be an exercise in futility to bother keeping track of the muddled plot.

When it comes right down to it, the measure of any movie is if it's worth your time and money. This is especially true for a major-budget summer action piece. Other than accomplishing the awesome feat of making Alexander look triumphant in comparison, this was utterly without value even when it was free and viewed as part of a workday.

As such, it seems amazing that Muslim anti-discrimination groups have been concerned about their religion's portrayal. The only thing Kingdom of Heaven is in danger of inciting is mass napping.