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Home Front: WoT
U.S.S. Dhimmi armed with nerf missles
2005-02-17
This is ScrappleFace
(2005-02-16) -- The U.S. Navy on Saturday will commission its newest nuclear-powered attack submarine, the Jimmy Carter, with many new features, including multiple-warhead Nerf missiles.

President Carter, who brought peace to the middle east, vigorously defended America's right to give away the Panama Canal and, in 1994, convinced North Korea to abandon talking about its nuclear weapons, said he's honored to have his name on "one of the most powerful peacemaking devices on earth."

Jimmy Carter is the first of the American Seahare-class subs, featuring a high-tech sonar system which alerts enemy forces to its presence and a safety device on the Nerf missiles which allows firing only after an enemy missile impact.

"This new generation of nuclear submarines is designed to use trust in our enemies as our first line of defense," said an unnamed Navy spokesman.

President Carter has invited leaders from North Korea and Iran to the commissioning ceremony, during which former First Lady Rosalyn Carter, in a time-honored Navy tradition, will give the first order to "man our ship, bring her to life then park her over there by the dock!"


"Run silent, run deep, run away!"
Posted by:Steve from Relto

#6  IMOA has found the Captain's log of the USS Jimmy Carter:

...being all that separates us from the sea.
I could never admit to the crew the fear I have, though. Sure, they all joke about how our submarine was hacked together by a group of volunteers on a weekend and how, with our nuclear power, we won't have to wait in gas lines, but most are too young to really remember the unending horror that was the Carter presidency. Still, the crew all seems vaguely at unease, as if they're in a... well... malaise.

It's not like being named after that man is the mark of death, but...


* * * *

...the wound stings, but it's only superficial. I have no idea how many rabbits are hiding aboard this vessel, how they got here, and why they are attacking everyone in site. The crew is spooked. They're all taking it as a bad omen, just like how Ensign Chavez nearly choked to death on a peanut. Still, we...
Posted by: Steve   2005-02-17 12:38:54 PM  

#5  # 4 was me. I don't know where the Glereper came from. Also, I bet they have plenty of boiled peanuts on board.
Posted by: Deacon Blues   2005-02-17 11:46:55 AM  

#4  I bet it even has a screen door.
Posted by: Glereper Craviter4297   2005-02-17 11:08:30 AM  

#3  Ladies and Gents!

Remember Sen. Zell's speech?

Spitball warheads to be deployed! Pronto!

We'll really give Kimmy and the Mullahs somethin' to think about!
Posted by: BigEd   2005-02-17 11:02:50 AM  

#2  What!!!!....no Play-Doh warheads?!! No Silly Putty torpedoes?!!
Posted by: Tom Dooley   2005-02-17 10:08:13 AM  

#1  Ok, so naming a Seawolf class sub after Jimmy Carter is pretty ScrappleFacey. But let's knock of the Jimmy Carter/attack sub jokes because this one is really an intelligence vessel....uhhh... nevermind.
Posted by: SteveS   2005-02-17 9:59:26 AM  

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