(2004-11-11) -- The coroner for the Palestinian Authority today announced that former Chairman Yassir Arafat died from "acute Tilex poisoning," and blamed the CIA and Mossad, the Israeli intelligence service.

"Infidel agents infiltrated Chairman Arafat's personal quarters and sprayed his bathtub with Tilex, a deadly toxin to certain lifeforms," said an unnamed spokesman for the coroner. "We believe the bathtub was poisoned up to two years ago, but Chairman Arafat's exposure came only recently, due to his personal hygiene schedule."

The coroner said his report "ensures Mr. Arafat's status as a martyr, which helps to overcome his shameful legacy as the man who signed a peace accord with Israel."