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| SLAIN HAMAS LEADER REPLACED BY ANIMATRONIC FIGURE |
| 2004-04-19 |
| IN BREAKING NEWS: SLAIN HAMAS LEADER REPLACED BY ANIMATRONIC FIGURE Dateline: April 19, 2004 Zen Press exclusive GAZA -- Furious over the second liquidation of their top leader in as many months, Hamas has promoted an animated robot to provide oversight and leadership. "We’ve had enough of these incredibly expensive back-to-back elections and huge state funerals" said Mahmoud al-Zahar. "Costs for ammunition fired into the air alone runs into the thousands of dollars" he exclaimed. Asked about numerous hospital admissions for random bullet wounds subsequent to each funeral, he would only provide a terse, "No comment." Widely hailed as the man who would step into Rantisi’s still-warm shoes, al-Zahar surprised everyone with this latest announcement. Recently, many Arab organizations have been seen to shy away from such advanced technology as satellite telephones and all terrain vehicles. Instead, they have shown renewed interest in hand written messages or cash financial transfers, many of them carried on foot. Renunciation of modern conveniences is widely regarded as part of a larger pattern consistent with the more common Middle East practice of living in mud houses where running water, electricity and sewage connections are usually reviled as "Satanic western luxuries." In light of this, Hamas’ rush to embrace sophisticated technology was all the more puzzling to many observers. Earlier Palestinian engineering programs had not been seen to progress much farther than peculiar if mildly innovative combinations of undergarments with loose hardware, nails and plastic explosives. Seasoned Mid East analysts have likewise expressed their own astonishment at this quantum leap forward in sophistication. "We’ve long been expecting a trend towards more heavily armored vehicles and a renewed emphasis on reinforced bunker designs. However, this interest in robotics was a completely unanticipated shift in strategy" said one resident expert. While it is certainly an unexpected development, some senior intelligence officials are less than amazed. "Certain common mode text repetitions and duplicate policy announcements have led us to believe that this was a long time coming" said an NSA analyst who declined to be identified. Renowned for an obdurate determination that Israel be obliterated along with the use of less than savory approaches to diplomatic persuasion, Hamas is rapidly approaching a crossroads in their political future. Strict adherence to entrenched theistic dogma has long provided a stern counterweight against any headlong rush towards futuristic solutions. This is mirrored in Hamas’ well established practice of utilizing human assets to accomplish spectacular if dubiously wasteful mission objectives. The only significant alteration of this policy has been brought about by opposition-based attrition of mature resources within their own organization. This has been reflected by their more frequent utilization of less skilled and relative unseasoned recruits in recent operations. While such underdeveloped trainees have long represented an ideal source of easily persuaded participants, a dramatic drop in relative duration of service within ranks has led to some rather well publicized setbacks. These have manifested in repeated unsuccessful mission outcomes due to preventive measures, interception and occasional last minute recision by involved candidates. A combination of these issues has placed increasing pressure on Hamas to seek more reliable membership. Many experts see this as an attempt to maintain reciprocity with current Israeli advances in autonomous aerial drones and other computerized military applications. Along with such modernization, Hamas finally seems to have applied a more up to date topdown approach in this matter. Consistent with other recent statements, Hamas refused to identify their newly activated leader by name. "We continue to stress an important air of mystique as indicated by the continuing popularity of face masks within our rank and file" reflected Mahmoud. In a moment of rare candor, al-Zahar confessed that Hamas leaders rarely use more than a few lines of vocabulary anyway. He likewise noted that their executive actions are usually limited to embezzlement of international aid or merely consigning more gullible young recruits to their combustive fates. "Such tasks as rote memorization of the Qur’an and parroting quotations of past leaders are ideally suited to codification and algorithmic processing" he said. Al-Zahar went on to say that, "Because these objectives are so compatible with modern automation our choice was literally made for us. There is no requirement for novel thought or critical analysis, so artificial intelligence was not even a limiting factor. Cloning of the speech synthesis and gesticulation control circuitry will allow for rapid and seamless replacement of leadership as it is concurrently removed. This represents huge strides towards maintaining a smooth and uninterrupted appearance of competent control in Gaza and the West Bank." Barely able to suppress a grin, al-Zahar added that, "As with much of Arab culture it is appearances which are of the greatest significance. And I’d much rather have that animatronic robot making those appearances than me." |
| Posted by:Zenster |