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| -Short Attention Span Theater- | ||
| China is Overun with wild Insurgents running Amok | ||
| 2004-01-22 | ||
| "Hooligan monkeys" harassing female visitors at a park. Monkey fur dyed in assorted brilliant colors at a safari park. Monkeys in the newspapers. Monkeys on TV. Monkeys on the collective brain of the world’s most populous country. This On Thursday, day one of the Year of the Monkey, mainland China suddenly took on a definite simian flavor. All manner of monkey-like iconography, from Tarzan’s chimp to the ape in the old "Donkey Kong" video game, festooned the Chinese media. Why not? After all, said the Beijing Youth Daily, "the golden monkey presents us with fortune." In China does a golden monkey fill the role of Lucky the leprecaun in the Lucky Charm’s commercials? After all its possible; they did use a guy with a really high voice for dubbing dialog for the role of Hoss in Bonanza. One of China’s most popular legends is that of Song Wu Kong, the painted-face, mischief-making "Monkey King" who is consistently brewing up trouble in the heavens. But real-life monkeys can get just as weird, if the state-controlled media are to be believed. But can they type? In the western Chinese town of Longchi, in a park where wild monkeys range freely, there’s been a problem of late -- a problem that, oddly enough, didn’t make it onto the Chinese news radar until the first day of the Year of the Monkey. The monkeys have begun to meditate - a gratuitous jibe at the surpression of the Falun Gong, a group which probably might be just another generator of Infomercials in the US. (I do not mean this disrespectfully.) "The hooligan monkeys," says the Chengdu Evening Post, "have been hitting on the ladies for a long time, igniting social outcry." Veil the women; it is the ankles that do it everytime. Park officials blamed the miscreant monkeys’ behavior -- including scratching and groping -- on the visitors’ "colorful outfits" and imposed rules for the creatures, the official Xinhua News Agency said: politeness, humility, no harassment and "no scuffling." We have hired George of the Jungle and Davy Jones to promulgate the new rules through out the herds of monkies. "It is really tough for the ’always free and unrestrained’ monkey group, according to local monkey tamers," Xinhua said. Monkey Woodstock - great. It wasn’t clear what methods would be used to instill humility in the monkeys, but the park does have a Plan B: monkey contraception. Get a grip. they won’t wear those things.
They could test the dye on humans to make sure it is safe. Xinhua continued its report with this extraordinary paragraph: "We had to anesthetize them first. They seemed to be surprised at their new strange coats when they woke up. But after a while, they indulged themselves in pleasure." Our close relaitives have enterred the Age of Aquarius. Just make sure we limit each monkey to under four joints a day. Recent information leads us to believe that more can be harmful to the health. More study is needed - but we don’t need anymore volunteers for the continued research | ||
| Posted by:Super Hose |
| #6 A couple of years ago I read a story about some old guy in a faraway land that trained a monkey to climb coconut trees and toss them down to him. So the monkey goes up, tosses one down, skulls him with one and kills him. When we read the story in work, we thought about adopting him and giving him to our boss. |
| Posted by: tu3031 2004-1-22 9:08:05 PM |
| #5 Seriously tho... what's weird that in India the Monkey Man meme bops up about once every what? 10 years or so? I believe it was last year about this time that a Monkey Man was terrorizing the rural areas of India. |
| Posted by: Shipman 2004-1-22 4:05:15 PM |
| #4 New Chinese pop single: "Hey, hey, we'e the monkeys! . . . " |
| Posted by: Mike 2004-1-22 3:48:59 PM |
| #3 Ruprecht, thanks for the compliment. Fred added the spanking, and the Chinese people provided a rich canvas for humor. |
| Posted by: Super Hose 2004-1-22 2:26:59 PM |
| #2 SuperHose, brilliant commentary. I loved the ankle bit, and the spank the horny monkey bits in particular. |
| Posted by: ruprecht 2004-1-22 1:54:36 PM |
| #1 But can they type? Judging by the posts infecting Rantburg lately, I'd say yes. But they can't use the shift key. |
| Posted by: Steve 2004-1-22 1:01:00 PM |