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| -Short Attention Span Theater- |
| Leonard Pitts on Christmas today |
| 2003-12-15 |
| An excerpt from the Gospel according to St. Luke, revised and updated for the 21st century: ``And there were in the same country shepherds, abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, `Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy.’ ``Wal-Mart is having a sale on DVD players. Just $29 apiece. And five megapixel digital cameras are also available for $344 and up. This be a Wal-Mart exclusive. In addition, ye shall find the Bratz doll with the Funky Fashion Furniture set for a mere $28.88 apiece. ``Rejoice, ye humble tenders of sheep! I bring ye news of plentiful shopping and bargains abundant. Gleaming temples of commerce await thee, open long hours for thy convenience. And their shelves are heavy laden with wonders that shall beggar thy poor imaginings. ``Consider ye these bargains: Circuit City doth present thee a discount of $50 to $400 on all manner of large televisions, including flat screens. Free delivery doth be available. JCPenney doth sell 14-karat gold chains for half off, while Cingular doth offer 500 bonus rollover minutes on select cellphone calling plans. And at Toys Doth Be Us, ye may obtain a 35th Anniversary Elmo doll for only $5, with a purchase of $75 or more. The offer be good only so long as supplies endure. EARLY BIRD SPECIALS ``Truly there be an awesome bounty of material treasures offered unto thee. ``But be ye warned: to claim and hold these treasures shall require of ye great sacrifice and exceeding diligence. Ye shall rise before the sun to catch the early bird specials. Ye shall traipse throughout the day, returning wearily to thine abode long after the sun has fallen from the sky. ``Ye shall find parking for thine ass and thy cart exceedingly limited, forcing thee to circle the parking lot, hunting for the man who is about to remove his ass and his cart to another place. ``Ye shall compete against thy fellow shoppers, who seek the same must-have items at the same bargain prices. This shall require of ye sharp reflexes. Also, sharp elbows. ``Nor shall this be the end of thy testing. For once all these things are done, it shall come to pass that the bills come due. And on this date, there shall be wailing and moaning and gnashing of teeth throughout the land and ye shall eat naught but beans and buy naught but generic brands until well after Mother’s Day. Spouses shall bicker with one another and fathers shall wander the abode turning off lights and air conditioning, muttering that they be not made of money. THE ULTIMATE PRIZE ``All this and more shalt thou endure. But thou shalt bear this burden gladly in the hope and longing that it shall lead ye to the ultimate prize: That thou shalt find in thy striving and straining, in thy going and coming, in thy frenzied acquisition of things, a measure of peace, some proof of love. Thou shalt seek ownership of things in the expectation that this will make ye what ye are not, give ye what ye have not, that it will fill thee as sod does a gaping hole and make thee finally and fully, complete.’’ And when the angel had said these things, the shepherds looked from one to the other with upturned palms and confused demeanor. Finally, one of their number hesitantly raised his hand and spake. ’’Forgive us, herald of the most high,’’ he said. ``Truly ye bring us word of strange and marvelous things. Yet we cannot help wondering: Is that all there is to thy good news? Just . . . shopping?’’ Whereupon the angel stroked his chin, then looked up and snapped his fingers in the manner of one chagrined. ’’Oh yes,’’ the angel said. ``There was one other thing I almost forgot. A savior was born to you down in Bethlehem.’’ |
| Posted by:Atrus |