(2003-11-26) -- U.S. President George Bush today converted from Christianity to Islam, declared himself to be a Grand Ayatollah and issued a fatwa, a religious edict, against those who have slowed the transition to democracy in Iraq.

The move comes as the Bush administration faced increasing criticism that it was trying to impose its brand of American democracy upon Iraq. The Washington Post reported today that Coalition transition efforts had faltered because an influential cleric had declared a fatwa against allowing foreigners to write the new Iraqi constitution.

"It’s good to see that the Bush administration finally understands how to get things done in Iraq," said one unnamed member of the provisional Iraqi Governing Council. "All of this ’cultivating stakeholder buy-in’ may work at IBM, but we Shiites wait until an influential ayatollah tells us what to do."

In Mr. Bush’s first official statement after the Rose Garden fatwa-signing ceremony, Islam’s newest Grand Ayatollah said, "Death to the infidel Baathists with their shoulder-fired rockets. Their blood will turn the sand red, God be willing. May God show them His wrath and give them what they deserve."