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| -Short Attention Span Theater- | ||
| Pravda: Weapons of the Future - Weather, Plasma and Money | ||
| 2003-09-28 | ||
| (Edited for the juicy babble - and right off the bat we’ve got a beaut...) The perspective planning department is a top secret structure in the US Defense Department, which deals with the development of weapons of the future. There are such departments in the Russian Defense Ministry of course, as well as in other military departments of other countries. Needless to mention that all those developments make a state secret. (But we mention it anyway, just to show we’re "in" with all the top mad-scientist type dudes. Got that? Good. Next, some really depressing statistics of doubtful veracity and provenance...) The first question about the military future of humanity is definitely connected with wars. One may not say that there will be absolutely no wars in the future. According to scientific calculations, about 15,000 wars have taken place on the planet during the recent 5,5 thousand years. More than 3.5 billion people have been killed in the wars. There were only 292 peaceful years in the entire history of the mankind. (Didn’t somebody once say "Peace is the ideal we imply from the fact that there have been lulls between wars"? Cynical bastard.) Genetic poison will probably be used in the future as the most optimal variant to destroy a part of the population, even a certain specific part. Each human race has an individual genetic code. Genetic differences may lay the ground of the genetic weapon. It will be possible to create genetic viruses to exterminate a certain group of people on the planet. (Starts with...Don’t tell me...I’m keen to guess...) Terrorism of the 21st century will enter the new technological level too. As it is well known, spy satellites can read the title of a newspaper on the ground. (But not pick it up and throw it away. Maybe next year. Litterbugs...) A laser of a killer satellite can destroy any target on the Earth’s surface, which is rather convenient for large terrorist acts — it will not be possible to identify the "nation" of the satellite, because a laser can be shot from any location in space filled with other countries’ satellites. (Getting your al-QaedaSat lofted and maintained is a different matter.) New discoveries and technologies will be gradually coming out of secret laboratories. Most probable weapons of the future include: (Wait for it!...) Bioelectronical weapon. Professor G.Bogdanov patented the generator to fight termites. The generator’s radiation kills insects paralyzing their nerve system. One shall assume, a certain frequency of the appliance can kill people too.Let’s imagine that a country is waging war against an enemy, using tectonic and meteorological weapons: an earthquake is followed with hard rains and draughts. An enemy will most likely ask for help after such a powerful impact. It will be the best moment to use the power of money. (Bwahahahahahahah! Eeeeex-cellent, Smithers!) (And now a word from our sponsors...) The weapons of the future will be a lot more efficient than the nuclear weapon. It does not matter, if they are going to be used as the prime or the extra weapon in a war - people will suffer and die anyway. The weapons of the new technologies pose a great danger to life on planet Earth. All present developments and research works must be strictly controlled by the state and by the society. A victory in a war is good for the government of the winning state, first and foremost. Common people have to survive a disastrous tragedy for a victory.
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| Posted by:mojo |
| #17 "...NOW we get moose and squirrel!!" - Professor G. Bogdanov Mike |
| Posted by: Mike Kozlowski 2003-9-28 5:48:19 PM |
| #16 I take real exception to Pravda ignoring my Blimp idea. These fools probably laughed at Tesla when he proposed the raygun. Now they cook their popcorn in a microwave. My weapon will rain fire from teh sky at a very stately pace as long as the headwinds are not too high. |
| Posted by: Super Hose 2003-9-28 4:19:05 PM |
| #15 My spies tell me that Rancho Fellatio is a cover for the entrance of one of the 10-1 sex ratio bunkers from which the true leaders of america wil emerge in um, (scratch, scribble...carry the 2...) 2126. You know how it is, baby... |
| Posted by: mojo 2003-9-28 4:04:10 PM |
| #14 Hey Pravda! Lose the tinfoil beanies! |
| Posted by: Katz 2003-9-28 3:09:27 PM |
| #13 "Cunning linked us." was the credo the secret cell of female bioelectronic zapper sappers as they infiltrated the heart of the inifidel's military-industrial complex near Rancho Fellatio (but a few leagues distance from Frank's home, unbeknownst to him). |
| Posted by: Alaska Paul 2003-9-28 2:25:17 PM |
| #12 . You do realize that Dr. Strangelove had a hand in the infamous mineshaft gap scare circa 1964. He is no friend of America. Mein Fuhrer I call walk! |
| Posted by: Shipman 2003-9-28 12:28:20 PM |
| #11 The guys that invented the false idea of race ought to be laughing their ass of in hell at this one. Guess I'll factor this race extermination possibility into my fantasy baseball picks next year. Derek Jeter is toast if negros or Caucasians are targetted, but Ichora is a definite no if asians start keeling over in large numbers. My favortie parts of the whole race thing is that Ethiopanians and Egyptians get short changed with respect to admissions into the University of Michigan because they didn't have enough negro traits when races were set up in the 20's. Also a Sudanesse immagrant former slaveowner would qualify for reparations payments under Jesse Jackson's plan. |
| Posted by: Super Hose 2003-9-28 12:23:14 PM |
| #10 Shhhh! It's a secret uh, Lab. Yeah, that's the ticket, secret. You know they always keep the best stuff for themselves, man. I heard from a friend of a friend (removed 4 times) it's not far from Rancho Lesbonio... |
| Posted by: .com 2003-9-28 12:21:25 PM |
| #9 hey! I live in San Diego! How come I never heard of Rancho Fellatio? I wanna go! |
| Posted by: Frank G 2003-9-28 12:09:04 PM |
| #8 Wasn't the US accused a few years ago of starting earthquakes from the Shuttle? Interviewed by Scientific American, Dr Strangelove, Chief of Research at the US Defense Department's Planning Group Alpha Labs in Rancho Fellatio outside San Diego, confirmed the public's worst fears, "Zees secret veapons, zey are already heeeeere! Zey are amazing! Vy, just last year, vee vere tinking maybe eet vould be fun to zap zee Democratic Candidates to see if vee would schkramble zeyr brains. Eet vas too eezy. Zap! Zap! Zap! Moonbat Central, now. Vee are looking for ozer tests which pose a greater challenge." |
| Posted by: .com 2003-9-28 12:02:14 PM |
| #7 you don't need scheduled natural disasters to wipe a country out - ask anyone living in Zimbabwe |
| Posted by: Frank G 2003-9-28 11:24:35 AM |
| #6 This is a real boon for nutjobs that like to seethe at the US. Now they can rage over any earthquakes and typhoons as (secret) acts of US imperialism. Sweet. Wasn't there a Russian "scientist" blaming some Asian earthquakes on US bombing in Afghanistan? |
| Posted by: Robert Crawford 2003-9-28 11:04:39 AM |
| #5 Tectonic weapon. Artificial earthquakes will probably be used in the future as a weapon to level cities and towns. Military departments of Russia and the USA strongly reject such a possibility at present. However, Professor E. Kerimov of the Earth Physics Institute believes that scheduled natural disasters are quite real. Yet, official departments reject the existence of all above-mentioned weapons. This sounds like a re-enactment of that movie "The Core". Personally, I don't see why we get a small asteriod and use it like what happened in "Armegeddon". The best part was when Paris was wiped out. " It wasn't us! Honest! We didn't cause that tiny rock to go through Arafish's head either! " |
| Posted by: Charles 2003-9-28 10:50:57 AM |
| #4 This is a real boon for nutjobs that like to seethe at the US. Now they can rage over any earthquakes and typhoons as (secret) acts of US imperialism. Sweet. |
| Posted by: Lux 2003-9-28 9:49:02 AM |
| #3 Tectonic weapon. Artificial earthquakes ACME Inc. has had earthquake pills for years. I recall Wily ingested half a bottle one Saturday morning. |
| Posted by: Shipman 2003-9-28 8:22:48 AM |
| #2 Bioelectronical weapon. You mean . . . it's a Russian Death Ray, . . . not a Zionist death ray Bwahahahahahahahaaaa! |
| Posted by: Mike 2003-9-28 8:12:50 AM |
| #1 You know, I'm almost certain "bioelectronical" isn't a real word. Ooh, wait! Maybe it's a secret word! |
| Posted by: cerberus 2003-9-28 6:02:08 AM |