1) Trump said he's innocent: Exactly the sort of thing a guilty person would say.

2) Before the trial, the prosecution's star witnesses both said Trump was innocent: It doesn't get any more cut and dry.

3) The judge decided Trump was guilty before the trial even began: It was that obvious.

4) No one in America has ever been charged with a felony for this crime before: Trump is so guilty they had to make up new laws. Case closed.

5) Trump was in Home Alone 2 alongside notorious criminals "The Wet Bandits": What more evidence could you need?

6) Trump spent evenings after trial delivering pizza to firemen: Exactly what a hardened felon would do. Lock him up.

7) Trump's signature on the checks in question is kind of hard to read: The plain mark of criminal conspiracy.

8) Robert DeNiro said he is guilty: Game over.

9) He's not a Democrat: Clearly belongs behind bars. That's just how law works.