 A Half Moon Bay man who shot an ostrich to death after the flightless bird pummeled him and his friend when they trespassed on a coastal ranch was ordered released Thursday after serving five months in jail for animal abuse. Jonathon Porter, 20 -- who prosecutors say killed for revenge after the bird humiliated him in front of women he was trying to impress -- was sentenced Thursday by Judge John Grandsaert, in effect, to time served. He was also placed on probation and ordered to attend animal-cruelty counseling.
So Jonathan, how did you feel when the ostrich kicked your ass? You felt like a total fuckin loser, didn't you? Go ahead, you can tell me...
Porter pleaded no contest in February to felony animal abuse for killing the ostrich, named Gaylord, and for being a convicted felon in possession of a firearm. He was on probation for grand theft.
Oh, good. I can see why they let him out. Just a crazy, mixed up kid...
Porter and his friend Timothy McKevitt, 19, also of Half Moon Bay, got in trouble after they took some women to an ostrich ranch near Half Moon Bay after a party last Halloween, authorities said. "Apparently the young ladies expressed an interest in seeing the ostriches," Porter's attorney, James McNair Thompson, said after Thursday's hearing in San Mateo County Superior Court in Redwood City. "That all sounded like a good idea until the ostrich physically attacked (McKevitt and Porter), and apparently he got the better of them."
Yeah, it's always fun until an ostrich decides to kick your ass...
With their long necks, adult male ostriches can grown up to 9 feet tall and weigh between 220 to 287 pounds, according to the San Diego Zoo. The birds typically have a 4-inch claw on each foot, and can produce a kick powerful enough to kill a lion, according to information on the zoo's Web site.
...or knock drunks on their asses.
Gaylord kicked McKevitt in the ribs and knocked him to the ground, according to a police report. Porter suffered scrapes and bruises when the ostrich kicked him. "And at that point, the crucial thing happened," Chief Deputy District Attorney Steve Wagstaffe said. "Apparently the girls started laughing."
Ah-ha! The motive!
Porter and McKevitt drove away with the women, then allegedly armed themselves with a rifle and shotgun. "We knew what had to be done," Porter told investigators, according to the police report.
I am the Ostrich Angel of Death...
The two returned to the ostrich farm and opened fire on Gaylord, firing at least seven shots, according to the report.
You dissed me in front of my woman! I'll show you, I'LL SHOW EVERYBODY!!
"This whole thing is about male pride," Wagstaffe said. "The ostrich knocked them both on their butts." Thompson said he would "hesitate to ascribe any sort of rational motive" to the killing. "It was a cross between being really startled by the ostrich and the alcohol," Thompson said. "It led to a really bad decision."
C'mon, man! Chicks dig guys that shoot ostriches...
McKevitt has pleaded not guilty to felony animal abuse and other charges. He is scheduled to go to trial in July.
Porter "accepts the fact that he did a lot of time because he was on probation and he did a really stupid thing," Thompson said. "He accepts responsibility and regrets it."
Yeah, yeah...can I go now? 
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