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Home Front: Politix
Nation's Republicans Weep Bitterly Upon Learning Hillary Clinton Not Running In 2020
2019-03-06
[Babylon Bee] U.S.‐Uncontrollable wailing could be heard across the land Tuesday as American Republicans from coast to coast wept bitterly upon learning that Hillary Clinton had finally announced that she will not be running for president in 2020, multiple sources confirmed.

"Please, God, let it not be true!" one sobbing Detroit man told reporters, explaining in between sniffles that a Trump vs. Clinton rematch would not only be a guaranteed victory for the president and embarrassment for the Democrats, but a spectacle of entertainment the likes of which the world has never seen.

"No more ’hot sauce’? No more 'WHY AREN'T I FIFTY POINTS AHEAD?' No more ’I’m just chillin’? No more ’you’d be in jail’? This can't be happening! Nooooooooo!"

Reporters tried to interview another conservative from California but were unsuccessful, as he was too busy screaming at the sky.

At publishing time, Democrats across the nation were seen embracing, dancing, and high-fiving.

Posted by:Besoeker

#8  Sweet dreams, America...:

Posted by: Anomalous Sources   2019-03-06 21:38  

#7  She's got this In (the race) and Out (of the race) thing down so pat she must be a stunt double for the dildo in a pron flick......
Posted by: USN, Ret.   2019-03-06 18:54  

#6  HANG ON: Hillary Did NOT ‘Close The Door On Running’ In 2020

Posted by: Vast Right Wing Conspiracy   2019-03-06 15:33  

#5  Can't she do something constructive, like go into training for the Olympic senior citizen event of ashtray throwing?
Posted by: Raj   2019-03-06 13:34  

#4  The satirical Pub weeping is premature. According to the Gateway Pundit, Hillary Clinton is [already] back tracking on her comments that she’s not running for president, leaving the door wide open for a 3rd run at the White House.
Posted by: JohnQC   2019-03-06 11:42  

#3  I said she's running the moment I've heard one of the Awan bros getting wasted.
Posted by: g(r)omgoru   2019-03-06 08:25  

#2  ....but, but she's back. Mmmaaawwaaahhhh. "Just kidding, folks".
Posted by: Procopius2k   2019-03-06 07:05  

#1  Because RINOs still wish she had won.
Posted by: Woodrow   2019-03-06 05:35  

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