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| -Short Attention Span Theater- |
| Millennial Diagnosed With Tragic Inability To Even |
| 2017-10-01 |
| Babylon Bee BOTHELL, WA—According to reports, local 22-year-old Chloe Kowalski’s world was torn apart Thursday morning, as the millennial barista was diagnosed with a rare disease that prevents her from having the ability to even. “I just—I can’t even,” Kowalski reportedly sobbed on her boyfriend’s shoulder after the appointment with her regular doctor, which she had scheduled after slowly losing her even functionality over the course of several months. “I can’t even right now. I can’t even, ever,” she was overheard saying through tears before breaking down. “We’ve never seen a case quite like this before,” Dr. Elizabeth Eden told reporters gathered outside the clinic where Kowalski’s devastating diagnosis was handed down. “Many millennials will experience short bouts of not being able to even for several seconds, often triggered by a cute video of a cat or other small animal, or perhaps something online that’s ‘so relatable.'” “But Kowalski—she just can’t even. She may never even again, at least not without assistance,” she said, shaking her head grimly, according to reporters. Reached for comment, Kowalski noted that she “still can’t even.” “I seriously just can’t even, you guys,” she confirmed. |
| Posted by:badanov |
| #9 Can't wait to see the reaction when I use it on my kids. |
| Posted by: Abu Uluque 2017-10-01 18:52 |
| #8 Very few people do satire as well as the Babylon Bee. I have them bookmarked and recommend reading them (like now on Sunday afternoon, rather than watching people give you the finger on the NFL.) |
| Posted by: Tom 2017-10-01 13:48 |
| #7 I run screaming from them |
| Posted by: 746 2017-10-01 10:33 |
| #6 Another cute animal story |
| Posted by: KBK 2017-10-01 08:54 |
| #5 SNORT! GUFFAW! Even I get .. oh, never mind. |
| Posted by: AlmostAnonymous5839 2017-10-01 08:51 |
| #4 I suspect this originated from a notorious 4Chan post from 2009, which asked; “Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?" "I can't even" is the only reasonable response. |
| Posted by: Bunyip 2017-10-01 05:32 |
| #3 746, apparently you don't know many millenials. |
| Posted by: gorb 2017-10-01 02:57 |
| #2 Personally, I got it! It's funnier than get out!! Website is a satire site. |
| Posted by: Seeking cure for ignorance 2017-10-01 01:52 |
| #1 WTF |
| Posted by: 746 2017-10-01 00:40 |