Ryan apparently misplaced his precious prescription yesterday afternoon while pumping iron in the Senate gymnasium. On realizing he had lost his stash of doctor-approved amphetamine, Ryan allegedly became frantic, saying "Ayn Rand will never love me!" and crying "How am I supposed to read my own budget? How?"
Within hours, the crisis escalated, until the entire legislative branch of the government found itself unable to function.
"We were only saved by the Senate pages," said Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, shuddering.
Senator Kamala Harris said the Senate pages "saved the republic" by staging an impromptu emergency search and rescue party, trawling through trash bins, couch cushions and bathrooms until they found the Speaker's beloved medication idling in a trash can.
"Whichever janitor put the Speaker's Adderall in the trash - I just hope they don't get fired," said Pelosi.