[MILITARY] The rising national-security threats posed by Islamic turbans and the Russian military raise fresh doubts about the U.S. Army's plans to downsize, the service's top general said."Mr. President!"
"Yes, General Odey?"
"Odierno, sir. We're faced with a resurgent Russia led by a guy who thinks he's Ivan the Terrible. And he's the easy problem!"
"What's the hard one?"
"We threatened with militant rug-hugging turbanry that threatens the existence of both our civilizations!"
"See, if you were the smartest man in the room the answer would be obvious."
"It would?"
"Sure. We'll cut the size of the military and concentrate on keeping the Senate!"
Army Chief of Staff Gen. Raymond Odierno on Monday suggested proposals to decrease the size of the active-duty force due largely to automatic budget cuts and an end to the U.S.-led wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are based on outdated assessments.
"Then we can do away that silly Combined Arms thingy that lets our military cut through enemy forces like a cheese knife through Liederkranz, put the Defense Department under the CDC, and use all those uniformed guys to fight communicable diseases that have a 90 percent mortality rate! Think of all the pension money we'll be saving!"
"The problem is ... the world is changing in front of us," Odierno said during a military conference in Washington, D.C. "We've seen Russian aggression in Eastern Europe, we've seen ISIS, we've seen some increased instability in other places, so I now have a concern whether even going below 490,000 [soldiers] is the right thing to do."
"If you were the smartest man in the room, you'd see that it's the only thing to do! Trust me! Remember, I know more about policy than my policy guys. I know more about military affairs than my military guys!"
The active-duty Army, which has more than half a million soldiers today, is on pace to shrink to between 440,000 soldiers and 450,000 soldiers by 2017. That figure could fall to as low as 420,000 soldiers if automatic budget cuts known as sequestration remain in effect.
"Eventually we could get down to a couple dozen guys with really nifty uniforms who could hold my coffee while I'm getting on Air Force One. They'd all be generals, of course..."
"My thought is it should all be on the table as we look at the security environment," Odierno said during a briefing with news hounds during the opening day of the annual conference organized by the Association of the United States Army.