A British scientist says he is the first man in the world to become infected with a computer virus."Stop me before I spam again!"
Dr Mark Gasson from the University of Reading contaminated a computer chip which was then inserted into his hand.
"... and after I inject myself with the Klez... Klez... ungh! urgh!... gasp!"
"God Gawd, doctor!"
"Igor! The antidote! Quickly!"
[FUMBLE! CRASH! SPLATTER!]
The device, which enables him to pass through security doors and activate his mobile phone, is a sophisticated version of ID chips used to tag pets.
"Mo-om! Sparky's spamming again!"
In trials, Dr Gasson showed that the chip was able to pass on the computer virus to external control systems. If other implanted chips had then connected to the system they too would have been corrupted, he said.
"Oleg! I think we should... thank the doctor for his modifications to the security system!"
"Duh... Yeah, boss!... [crack!]"
"Aaaaiiieeee!"
Medical alert
Dr Gasson admits that the test is a proof of principle but he thinks it has important implications for a future where medical devices such as pacemakers and cochlear implants become more sophisticated, and risk being contaminated by other human implants. "With the benefits of this type of technology come risks. We may improve ourselves in some way but much like the improvements with other technologies, mobile phones for example, they become vulnerable to risks, such as security problems and computer viruses."
"V1G0REX!... AD1PEX!... V1AGR@!"
"Stop it, doctor! [SLAP!] STOP IT!"
However, Dr Gasson predicts that wider use will be made of implanted technology. "This type of technology has been commercialised in the United States as a type of medical alert bracelet, so that if you're found unconscious you can be scanned and your medical history brought up."
"Doctor Bob! What's the matter?"
"The MRI machine! There's something dreadfully wrong!"
"Look out, Doctor Bob! [BZZZDDDDPPP!]"
Professor Rafael Capurro of the Steinbeis-Transfer-Institute of Information Ethics in Germany told BBC News that the research was "interesting". "If someone can get online access to your implant, it could be serious," he said.
"Yasss... Y'might say so."
Cosmetic surgery
Professor Capurro contributed to a 2005 ethical study for the European Commission that looked at the development of digital implants and possible abuse of them. "From an ethical point of view, the surveillance of implants can be both positive and negative," he said.
"Oh. Thanks for clearing that up, Professor."
"'Capurro'? That's Italiano for 'dumbass,' isn't it?"
"Surveillance can be part of medical care, but if someone wants to do harm to you, it could be a problem."
"No! Reeeally?"
In addition, he said, that there should be caution if implants with surveillance capabilities started to be used outside of a medical setting.
"Helen! What's wrong?"
"It's your implant, Phil! It's looking at me... funny!"
However, Dr Gasson believes that there will be a demand for these non-essential applications, much as people pay for cosmetic surgery. "If we can find a way of enhancing someone's memory or their IQ then there's a real possibility that people will choose to have this kind of invasive procedure."
"First the good news, Mr. Jones: the chip has raised your IQ ten points and enabled you to retain the contents of the entire Microsoft Encarta for instant retrieval."
"And the bad news?"
"You're the last surviving son of the late Nigerian dictator Sani Abacha, and you need assistance to secretly move USD 16,000,000 (sixteen million U.S. dollars) out of the country..."
Dr Gasson works at the University of Reading's School of Systems Engineering and will present the results of his research at the International Symposium for Technology and Society in Australia next month. Professor Capurro will also talk at the event.
"And here he is, ladies and gentlemen: Professor Dumbass!"