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| -Short Attention Span Theater- |
| Scrappleface: Congress to Halt Closing of Unprofitable Starbucks |
| 2008-07-02 |
| Democrats in Congress today plan to introduce a bill to halt the recently-announced closing of some 600 Starbucks coffee stores, noting that the displacement of 12,000 Starbucks baristas would overwhelm government aid offices not prepared to handle so many clients for whom English is a second language. Baristas, those who serve Starbucks beverages, speak a peculiar dialect that combines pseudo-Italian and American slang with inflections borrowed from ancient hemp-smoking cultures. “These people can’t just walk out of Starbucks and get a job at a grocery store or a factory,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA. “They would need ESL classes and cultural training to learn how to relate to ordinary Americans and function in society.” Rep. Pelosi’s bill would subsidize the 600 money-losing Starbucks locations by giving away millions of taxpayer dollars in so-called ‘Venti Vouchers’ to residents of these hard-hit neighborhoods. If the effort fails to revive the flagging stores, Rep. Pelosi said Democrats would “seriously consider nationalizing the coffee industry to ensure the free flow of java at fair prices.” “This is just another one of our heroic Democrat efforts to protect Americans from the impact of the Bush economic policies,” said Rep. Pelosi. “Under this president, America has become a cold and desolate place where corporations cut unprofitable activities to focus on increasing the bottom line, and returning value to shareholders. When Democrats retake the White House next year, we will reverse that trend.” |
| Posted by:Anonymoose |
| #3 Well alrightey then, looks like the proto-USSA Congresscritters have finally done something sensible - while they're at it send in the OWG People's Army Marines to force the donut shoppes to bring back the strawberry and cherry, etc. donuts = red/colored thingys. |
| Posted by: JosephMendiola 2008-07-02 19:28 |
| #2 How many Senators have been getting deals on their coffee not available to normal citizens? |
| Posted by: Bright Pebbles 2008-07-02 17:16 |
| #1 With nowhere to take one hour breaks instead of the customary 15min. "coffee break", Government offices may find that they don't actually have enough chairs if all their employees actually try to work at the same time. Up till now, Starbucks has prevented this dilemma, as you cannot get a cup of coffee in less than 20 minutes. |
| Posted by: sadfa 2008-07-02 14:20 |